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Old 02-15-2012, 04:02 AM
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 451
Default Reverse Jealousy!

I was talking to my wife this weekend.

Wait, I suppose I should give her a nickname. How about Vix? (Short for DanceVixen, a user name she once had on another site.)

Anyway, I was talking to Vix this weekend, and she told me to stop being so anxious about the effect my new relationship is having on her. Really, my anxiety about it, my checking in with Vix all the time to make sure she's all right, was getting annoying, and even a little creepy.

That's the word Vix used: "creepy".

I realized I was experiencing a kind of reverse jealousy, as though, by developing a relationship in which Vix does not have any direct involvement, I was stealing something from Vix.

I mean, what an outrageous thing for me to do! How dare I?

Fortunately, the cure for reverse jealously was at hand.

First, Vix assured me she's really happy I've found G, and that she'll let me know if she has any doubt or anxiety or worry along the way.

Knowing Vix, I'm quite certain she'll let me know!

As I've continued developing my relationship with G, I've simply kept Vix up to date on the story of how it has been developing, without apology or defensiveness or anxiety.

Just the facts.

She's persists in being happy for me, and is looking forward to getting to know G, in good time.

The one thing Vix has said she isn't sure of is how she'll react if or when I actually have sex with someone else. I haven't, yet, and it's something Vix and I will have to keep talking about, along the way.

Another part of the cure is in the experience of this new relationship, in which I've surprised myself.

Far from being swept away by blind passion, my growing affection for G is making me more aware of everything: of G, her other relationships, her boundaries, the touch of her hand, the feel of . . .

Wait, where was I?

Oh, yes.

. . . and also more aware of Vix, our daughters, the solidity of the life we've been building together, my own boundaries.

I'm not stealing anything from anybody, though I need to be careful, on my own account, that I keep it that way.

I spent yesterday evening with G, at her apartment. I went over after work and made dinner for her. We talked . . . and didn't talk . . . and talked . . . and didn't talk.

Today, in an exchange of emails, we've carried on the work of clarifying our current boundaries and the pace at which we want to proceed . . . which will be fairly slowly, given the complexity of our lives and of our existing relationships.

I'm happy to find I'm able - as of right now, at least - to keep things in perspective. However urgently I find myself drawn to her, I don't (yet) seem to be losing my head.

(Famous last words?)
the cake is a lie

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 02-15-2012 at 05:46 AM.
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