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Old 02-14-2012, 08:45 PM
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trescool trescool is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ontario, Canada
Posts: 59
Default don't worry :)

OK, first, as a bisexual, can I say I get it?

I respect other people saying this is NRE, but actually, I think something deeper is going on and I get it. What I'm hearing is that confusing dichotomy which is bisexuality. You love him, but you don't feel sexually for him. How can this possibly be, you wonder? You used to feel sexually for him, after all! Ahh, but we humans are complicated creatures, especially, us bisexuals!

Neuroscience shows us that we can connect romantically with people on in fact THREE different biological levels :
1. sexually
2. Emotionally
3. As a DEVOTION of compromise, a life lived together, commitment... that takes work, energy, and doesn't always feel good.

So, a man may say he is "straight" because he is emotionally, sexually, and devotedly attracted to women, but still want to have sex with men.

As bisexuals, we are capable of being attracted to one sex on one or more of these levels, and attracted to the other sex on one or more of the other levels AT THE SAME TIME.

AND (here it gets worse) those feelings of how you're attracted to a sex can change over time Right now, it sounds like you feel (2) and (3) for your boyfriend, who is a man. You feel (1) (2) and (3) for you female girlfriend. It makes you wonder, am I bi or gay? Answer: who knows? You feel (2) and (3) for a man right now, but that might change in the future! It's the curse and the blessing of being bisexual.

Sometimes -- please forgive me, oh Gods and devotees of bisexuality-- I hate being bisexual. It's sooo frikking ridiculously hard sometimes! I long for the clarity of being "just gay"; not interested in men whatsoever.

I found myself over the Christmas holidays looking at photos of lesbian marriages on the internet. I found myself dreaming of holding the hand of my most beautiful bride, walking down the aisle with her. I have ALWAYS wanted to marry a woman, so very, very deeply. And sometimes I feel so isolated, so scared, so down that I'm in a relationship with a man, because I wonder; where is my beautiful bride, the woman I've always wanted to marry, to love, to cherish and share a life with?

Yet I too am in a relationship with a man that I love so very deeply. Trying to imagine a life without him is heartbreaking. We've been through so much together. And we are raising a beautiful girl together.

Last night I called my boyfriend (we don't live together, which helps me a lot keep my balance between my need to be with a woman and my deep appreciation, deep love and deep satisfaction with my boyfriend) and I told him how hard this poly thing is for me sometimes. We just chatted for an hour about how isolated I feel sometimes as bisexual, how socially scorned I feel as a Lesbian who other Lesbians just don't want to have anything to do with because I'm with a guy. And we talked about how afraid I am that I'll never have the social recognition I need that in fact I'm deeply love women as well as him, even if I found a woman to date seriously. Having that REAL, HONEST, DEEP conversation that as much as I love him with all my heart, being in a poly relationship is NOT easy for me made my day so much better.

We also explore different ways of being sexual with one another. I have chronic pain, so sometimes I just don't want that passionate, intense sex with my boyfriend. We explore the realms of sensuality, gentleness, touch in ways that are not as "passionate" as they used to be. Sensuality activates different hormones and different emotional reactions than hot sex does, but I still feel it's deeply meaningful for me. I don't know how you would feel about exploring what does feel good for you with your boyfriend. If you genuinely don't feel like passionate love with him-- why not try embodying somethign that you DO feel good with him? Explore what feels RIGHT to you to express the kind of love you feel for him in a physical sense.

Another practice that helps with my boyfriend and I is that we also have conversations that scare me! lol. We talk about possibilities that I'd never even imagined when I first met him. We discuss the possibilities of me being in a primary relationship with another woman and a secondary relationship with him. As strange as those conversations are, having the courage to really feel out with him what makes sense for us helps our relationship to grow more deeply and for me to feel satisfied that I can trust my needs really are going to be met in our relationship.

Hope that helps!
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