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Old 02-14-2012, 07:38 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh MT, I hate that you are still so scared of her reaction. It is not good to live under that stress. You haven't brought it up again with her since the summer, correct? Now, I also recall you saying at some point that you were no longer pining for your crush. Has that longing renewed itself in you?

Do you think your wife would consider going to therapy again? I recall that she didn't like the therapist, but don't remember if she went back after the first time or not. I think you might want to find someone who understands alt. relationships but doesn't flaunt that as a specialty. You could broach the subject by saying that there are issues you want to address with a third party there to help you two sort through them. Have you been seeing the therapist by yourself at all?

I think you will have to bring it up again eventually, and I know you were very compassionate in the past, so she should be able to hear you better this time. I think, if I were you, I would focus on telling her you just want to TALK about possibilities and it's not about acting on them at this point, but that you want to just see if she will examine with you another depth to being in relationship with each other - and you don't want to be afraid to talk about deep issues going on with you. Let her have the sense that you want her to be a confidante in a way but that her past reactions didn't help you to trust that she will just listen and be open to new ideas. And that's what you really need right now instead of a brick wall.

I think some couples have to work on things like this for a very long time before making any movement in one direction or another. But she should know that she can't just say "no" and give you the cold shoulder when you just want to be able to talk about it with her.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-14-2012 at 07:50 AM.
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