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Old 02-14-2012, 06:39 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 146
Default Anxiety and the "I'm F'd" Feeling

I haven't posted in awhile. I've been trying just to keep a lid on myself for awhile, and let other things settle (in-laws' visit over the holidays, wife's surgery in early January and subsequent recovery). For those who want to catch-up, my original thread is here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...l+conversation

It's been three years since I fell hard for my crush, and I'm crushing on her as strong as ever. I still haven't told her, and I've been afraid to re-open talks with my wife out of fear that my marriage is going to fly apart. I have a handle on what that will look like financially if it happens, but emotionally, that's another matter. No longer being part of my son's daily life is what will hurt the worst, and I fear what he would think of me.

My wife has lost a considerable amount of weight (most of it during her recovery--she had her esophageal valve repaired to fix reflux, and it's taken awhile to build back up to a normal, even if significantly reduced, diet). She feels good about how she looks, and not being in constant pain is also a huge win. I'm hopeful that her improved self esteem will help when reopening talks about poly.

(And yes, I realize that even if I were to get a green light from my wife, or were to separate from her, there's no guarantee that my crush would be interested. She's hard for me to read--sometimes, I think she clearly likes me, but I don't trust myself to not merely be seeing what I want to see.)

There is a question here, after all of that: for those of you who have been in a similar situation (you loved your spouse, and you fell for someone else, but your spouse wasn't down with that), how long did it take to get past the "I'm fucked" feeling and take action? What were the consequences? If you ended up divorced--especially if there were children--how did it end up? Was it worth it?

I can't stuff the genie back in the bottle--now that I know I'm poly, and it makes so much sense to me, I feel like I'm either doomed to a life of anxiety, frustration, and sleepless nights, or I have to risk my marriage and live true to what I am.

Thanks,
MT
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