new and so confused--can't believe i'm posting...
I don't have a lot of comfort sharing personal details online with relative strangers, but I'm stuck and can't see any other course.
In 2010 I broke off a monogamous relationship of 6 years. When I met her I was young and did not want monogamy, but I loved her very much and still do. However for various reasons, including sexual related to our monogamy, our relationship failed then.
Subsequently I met a wonderful woman who was several years younger (I'm 30, she's 23). She wants to be with me and I want to be with her, but we both know I'm not interested in a conservative relationship model. When we began the relationship she explicitly repeated I could have sexual relationships, but not emotional ones, with other women.
That was alright for awhile especially because we were still a new couple, but in the end other women I was sleeping with became emotionally involved, so I broke it off with them. Afterwards we moved, and now we're in a new city.
I am not a clubber, a bar hopper, or a one-night-stand type of guy, and I've never really done a lot of shallow hookups. I'm not against it, and probably if I could I would; naturally, I love sex and beautiful women like most every hetero man, but I have a hard time investing emotional energy trying to 'hook up,' especially when I have an amazing girl waiting at home. She's beautiful as well, and I have high standards in general so meeting a woman who I like and is willing to openly accept what I want seems terribly hard.
Recently I took my girlfriend to a poly party which was interesting, but mostly older people. Also, she's not really the party type, and she says she doesn't want other men. I don't think I'd mind necessarily if she did, but she seems to be pretty set on me, which is one reason I like her. She had a mediocre experience, but I realized I would like to continue this sort of thing, even if I find another partner, besides my girlfriend, to do this.
I don't want to lose a wonderful woman. She says she's open to me doing other things, but she has strict limits that I'm not sure about. I don't think people should divorce sex and the natural emotional energy that goes with it--every loving relationship is different, from my view. I can't help admitting, if my ex were here now I would be unable to stop myself loving both women.
I also recognize the difference between swingers and polyamory--again, I'm confused as hell about it. I wouldn't mind swinging, but I doubt it would stay that way, especially with me. Nevertheless I'd be willing to commit to my girlfriend, marry her and make her the mother of my children, if she could handle that. I'll try to keep it to swinging,and if she wants to participate is up to her. But since she doesn't, how do I find someone who would take on that role? It's not that I'm a lecherous creep, I just have no clue where to look, and it seems a ridiculous conundrum. Help, please?
p.s. thanks for having this forum. Makes an embarrassing situation a lot easier.