Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
A metamour who sees you as a friend is invaluable. It might be too much to ask of the world/fate to find that, but that doesn't mean that one should settle for the opposite extreme, a metamour who sees you as a threat/enemy. How stressful.
And it kind of irks me that he wouldn't be willing to stand up for his other relationships and say "No, it's not ok to keep changing the rules, that's not fair to anyone." Or, he could always say "Y'know what, if this is how things are gonna be maybe this marriage can't handle poly at the present time." But instead, to just let this bad situation continue... bleh.
I think not being with him is the right decision. If that means you need to be the sort of friends who don't actually see each other in person right now... so be it. You deserve better. Take whatever space you need.
The three of us became friends through our church. I wasn't prepared for a romantic relationship, really. I was scared. I thought being with a guy-friend who had a wonderful wife and marriage would be less scary. In many ways, it was. But I started running into a lot of subconscious expectations about relationships (PTSD), and I would feel angry and resentful and guilty and ashamed and terrified. I was also depressed and abusing substances, and he had to take me to a psyche ward twice while we were dating. I was awful, and his wife knew it.
The more involved he and I became, the worse I got, and the more she disapproved... we stopped being friends when she said she was afraid that my problems would destroy her marriage. I was angry (thought process: "SHE has her own mental health problems, and if anyone's problems are going to hurt her marriage, it will be hers, not mine... I am inconsequential, and my problems will fuck up my relationship with my family/friends and with him before they have anything to do with her, so to hell with her and her fears... SHE'S insecure, but she has no reason to be because she has everything anyone could ever want from this guy, he loves her, and he's not going to leave her"). That was last summer. I've been in therapy since then... which is what I really needed all along... clearly.
He has defended his other relationships (including the one he had with me), but it doesn't stop her from feeling upset about sharing him. He has offered to be monogamous, but she says she doesn't want that. Last night, she went to a poly support group, but they had a fight beforehand. He and I got coffee while she was there. This morning, I gave her a call to ask how the group went, but she didn't pick up, so I haven't talked with her yet.
It's ok with me if they decide to be monogamous or if they decide they'd prefer him not dating me specifically. I'd be sad for me, but I understand. I'd be happier if I could date him and rebuild the friendship she and I had beforehand. For now, maybe it is best to just focus on that second part. These people don't owe me anything. Frankly, I think I owe them an apology.