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Old 02-13-2012, 09:11 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by openornot View Post
Should I confront him and tell him that he needs to be honest about the status of our relationship OR

Should I keep my mouth shut and just know that we are in a poly relationship.

I don't mind the poly part but the lying part is really grating on my nerves.
Well, it isn't really poly if it's not out in the open and consensual. Are you absolutely certain he is cheating on you with her?

If so, it might be that he thinks the thrill will be gone if you acknowledge and accept it. A lot of cheaters get off on the idea of sneaking around and almost getting caught -- but being honest about it can be a buzzkill because it takes away the excitement that comes with doing something bad and getting away with it.

If it is really something you can live with and you don't want the lying, I would tell him. I would also ask yourself if you would like an additional partner of your own. Maybe you can both have poly relationships.

What you wrote in your OP is a valid way to start the conversation: "I know about you and ___ and I understand that she clearly gives you something you need. And I know that you also want to be with me. I've thought about it and want you to know that I can accept being polyamorous but the lying is really grating on my nerves. I would rather we acknowledge that she has a place in your life and always be honest with each other instead of sneaking around. There is no reason you shouldn't trust me."

And then I would give him time to respond before adding if you also want to be free to pursue other relationships. If he rebuts by saying you are wrong about this woman, then I would tell him what you know about it.

What's the worst that can happen by being honest? You will open up an important dialogue. It sounds like your marriage is strong enough to handle it.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-13-2012 at 09:43 PM.
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