Ahh, I see. That provides a lot of context.
If it helps, this kind of thing happens to a lot of couples. My gf and her husband went through something similar in several ways when they were both dating the same girl: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=123
The husband in their story, Eric, also had a history of bad behaviors and pushing boundaries leading up to their poly triad crisis. In the end, he sort of forced himself to develop a deeper sense of empathy in order to regain his wife's trust... he truly changed himself. They took a year long break from poly and opened back up in a much slower, more deliberate way when they felt they were ready. Things have been MUCH better since.
The major players. Me, under-30 bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 3+ years. Clay, new boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/"it's complicated."
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy, Clay's partner.