Elemental, I give you total credit for being self-aware. You acknowledge things that few would dare admit to themselves. The challenge you have is to be honest now with others. It won't be pretty. When you live in an untenable lie, the only way to break it and mold it into something real is to be honest about your bullshit.
I wish you luck. You have the intelligence to do it. Now show that you have the courage.