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Old 02-13-2012, 05:09 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
...there are many projects that have labelled themselves as 'integrative'. But that's the unhealthy way of doing it. You try to 'shape' the new element in the equation just like all the others are. If the core group consists of triangles, and a square wants to join them, it has to become a triangle for this system to work. Quite different from inclusion. If you want to include someone, you just let the square be a square and both sides have to adjust to the new situation.

Most of the people seeking a triad do just this. Especially if they are an established couple. They want the new person to fit both their tastes, want them to be this or that way and end up integrating someone into their two person circle. The original shape of the person gets lost.
Doing inclusion correctly means not forgetting about all the different aspects that are there in each person that has to be considered. It means that each piece of the equation has to remember that there are others as well.

The pitfall of wanting this or that relationship style/structure is having an already established blueprint in mind, how this should work out, how things should be from the own perspective without thinking about how the others contributing to the relationship(s) would picture that. That's an integrative behaviour, while an inclusive one would be a more relaxed approach considering the individuality of each person.
I love this explanation!

Even though we all have ideals or wish lists about what we want in life, how can we not make room for the unexpected?

I really am always flummoxed by the fact that so many people just cannot see how they are shooting themselves in the foot and destined for drama and/or something unworkable when they start off with an idea of a specific configuration and then look for people to fit into it ("We only want a poly-fi triad and are seeking a bi woman to join us") -- Phy's explanation of integration -- instead of meeting people, allowing attractions to develop into relationships and getting to know someone, and letting the dynamic of the relationship determine how and in what configuration they all fit with anyone else who may be in relationship with them ("We met him/her and hit it off. Over time we became closer and fell in love, and eventually he/she became part of our family/network/household/etc.") -- genuine inclusion.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-13-2012 at 05:12 AM.
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