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Old 02-13-2012, 12:11 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 60
Default cowboy confessional

I’m a Cowboy. I push boundaries to breaking points. I have cheated in all my previous long term relationships under the guise of “polyamory”. I have selfish tendencies around relationships and sex. I am very sexual, have a strong sexuality, love to experiment, and a sexual late bloomer. When push comes to shove I have a history of giving myself what I want, when I want it. I have enabled my behaviour by refusing to address character deficiencies with self serving explanations. I have been sneaky, and dishonest to partners in the past. I have a long rebellious history with any kind of authority and am prone to addictive behaviours, having struggled with addiction issues and anger management most of my adolescent/adult life. I am charismatic, attractive, masculine, strong and creative, a man's man. I come from middle class white upbringing, with an anarchistic street punk art student youth. I have been criminally minded, and a long history of living in the margins,
In the shadows, between the cracks. I am self employed, a self made man.

I am 42, in a relationship with the woman of my dreams who is 10 years younger for the last five years, married for 2. We came together as a casual encounter, both being in sexually unsatisfying relationships, her with permission, me in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” forced open kind of way. We fell in love, she left her fiancé to be with me, and I left my wife.
Our relationship was bonded on an incredible sexual connection, and we worked hard to add the compatible elements of a partnership as we went along, both of us working really hard to stay together, to do our self work, counselling, self examination, group work ect.
We have grown a great love, and understand each other like no one else ever has in our lives, having seen all the warts. She knows me, keeps me honest by not letting me get away with my past patterns, for the most part, stands up to me. She is a strong woman for sure, also a self made woman. A Boss.

We both have a long history with poly. Her with multiply boy/girl friends, me with multiple girlfriends, being the secondary in a MMF. So when it came time for us to want to open up our relationship, to experiment it came pretty naturally for us. We experimented with a threesome, had a great time, moved to a couple, also great except for some compatibility issues, moved on to another threesome, and met this great lady, a student at a local university, looking for us as well. Things started so well, fun, great sex, great communication; we quickly went deeper than any of our previous experiences. My wife was falling in love with this woman, quickly making plans to include her in our life.
I cautioned against rushing in to anything, but was quickly swept up in NRE, let my guard down, quickly developed feelings for this woman, all with the encouragement from my wife. That’s when my Cowboy tendencies started to really come out.

I started pushing our agreed upon boundaries, the physical, the emotional. Initiating contact outside of the triad, initiating sex when it made my wife uncomfortable, always wanting more. I was falling in love with our girlfriend, and it was scaring the shit out of my wife. We would talk and talk with each boundary transgression, I would assure her that it wouldn’t happen again, but still I would find ways to push the limits, always in my head finding ways to justify my actions, my feelings. It came to a head when my wife came home from work and found us in bed together. That changed everything for my wife, killed her NRE for our girlfriend, and was the moment of change in our poly life.

Me chipping away at her trust has now blown a huge hole in our relationship. After a month of trying to work it out she broken up with our girlfriend, again after another boundary transgression, me meeting up with our GF having drinks at a bar with friends, me just showing up unannounced, uninvited. Me just doing what I want, not thinking of anyone else, just being a Cowboy. We had worked our way back to giving the triad another shot, and I just ramble in and fuck everything up with my stupid selfish behaviour. Now I have split up our GF and my wife, who really care about each other but I feel I have eroded my wife’s trust to the point of not wanting to re-establish the relationship. Our GF loves the couple experience, and I have taken that from her. There has been talk of me and our GF continuing on in a V with my wife, but I don’t know if that is even possible now. I really care for our GF, want to keep seeing her but can’t have a relationship with her at the expense of my primary relationship. Yee–fucking-haw.

So I have this battle inside of me, my wants and desires of poly triad partnership with my wife and our (ex)GF, my desire to keep seeing her myself, and my concern for my wife and my love for her and our relationship. Add to it all my Cowboy tendencies and it’s just a party in my head and heart.

I am posting this as a way to get it out of myself, to add to it as it comes. My questions to the community on here are mostly for others like me, reformed Cowboys/girls who like me have struggled with these issues. Any tips on coping or ways to work this out of myself, I really do want to be a better man, to be the man I know I can be. I want to be a good poly man, who lives his life being good to his partners, taking care of their needs and feelings, as well as my own. I want to change these Cowboy ways.
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