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Old 02-12-2012, 02:01 PM
zenlove1 zenlove1 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 12
Default thank you!

Thanks a lot for your detailed reply! Everything makes a lot of sense.
I agree: unexpected things can probably happen when a poly relationship is started in the circumstances we are now (with a particular person out there, etc.) I think itīs probable that I love them equally some day.

I told her yesterday. This is what has happened:


I was carefully planning the way to tell her, had even prepared a selection of readings...
but things are moving on rapidly these days in the relationship with the moving in together things, etc. (we have been searching for an apartment to rent for a couple of weeks already) and then I got so impatient about telling her about my (hypothetical) poly desire -as well as other things i have very recently become aware of, such as my desire to move to an ecovillage or similar place some day- that I mentioned a couple of things like "Iīd like to talk to you about a couple of things before we move in together." Wrong strategy, I guess..but she got impatient and so was I (I am terrible at stifling news, etc) so I told her in the most careful way I could. I remembered your advice not to mention anything about jealous and also avoided stuff I had found in a "polyamory manifesto" out there (the poly philosophy condensed sounded very interesting to me but must sound "agressive" towards mono persons). think I was sensitive and affectionate ("this doesnīt mean I love you less", etc.) I made sure of being connected with her emotionally all the time. But you know, polyamory is a taboo for most people... Her first reaction was like "what are you talking about?", "if you have such ideas weīd better break off", and this one: "I donīt even want to imagine being with other guys!". etc.
In an awkward attempt of reconnecting with her, I said some things that are probably not very recommendable:
"Donīt take it too seriously; itīs just something that has occurred to me but it doesnīt mean I am going to do it".
"Maybe after all itīs just a craving for affection and what i need is just more friends" (thatīs truth, but probably unconnected with my polyamorous desire).
etc.
She had one reaction I thing is common in this situation: she thought I was talking about infidelity.
I answered "wait a minute; I understand you thing like that but if you think twise, youīll see that polyamory is rather the opposite of infidelity..."
"I donīt mean there arenīt couples who are happy in a lifelong mono relationship but... in many cases, infidelity happens because of repressed polyamorous desires".
etc.

When I had reconnected with her, so I could take perspective again, I went on with some useful ideas I had read.

Later she was like sorry for my reaction, sorry for your sincerity and confidence, I understand you and feel
Anyway, we of course are now in a crossroad. Things are now more clear than yesterday, but itīs still complicated.
I donīt know what is going to happen, to be honest. Maybe we visit a couple consellor pychologist.
She is not angry and is open to keep talking about this. She has agreed to read the stuff I had prepared for her. I think the probability that she finds polyamory interesting is very low, though.

At least, I donīt regret having told her and I think I have dealt well with the guilty feeling of being a "selfish guy asking my girlfriend to do something wrong". I mean, I only felt that during the first minute of the conversation and the feeling reattacked later but it was not very strong.

Your advice has been very helpful.

I didnīt mention this friend of us whom I like. I thought my girlfriend would maybe feel like "heīs not a poly, he just likes her more than me only doesnīt want to break off."


Thanks a lot.
Lots of love and harmony
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