Originally Posted by nycindie
I think too often that people focus on the jealousy and not what's underneath it. Jealousy is often a cover for deeper feelings (usually related to fears and/or insecurities) that are difficult to handle. You can try to wish it away, avoid it, meditate about it, hide it, keep yourself preoccupied, and so on, but I believe the only way to see jealousy dissipate and lose its power over you is to look at where it's coming from and see what it is you're trying to avoid by focusing on jealousy or possessiveness. If you allow yourself to feel whatever those hard-to-handle feelings are, without judging yourself for feeling that way, they resolve and loosen their grip on you.
Ah, I'm so hit or miss in my participation here that I doubt anyone knows who I am, but so many of you were so helpful when my husband and I first joined; there is deep gratitude toward the people here our parts.
At any rate, this of course got my attention because jealousy was the downfall of my last poly relationship. My boyfriend truly put a lot of effort into dealing with his jealousy in his primary relationship (his other girlfriend had two, intended to be equal relationships with 2 men). No matter how he looked at it, or examined himself, he came back to focusing on whether the other man was getting "more". I happen to know the other man somewhat and the irony is that he's very unassuming, laid back, and not interested in competition. The pain remained.
Nycindie, your approach to resolving the jealousy is very sound--I think what he was missing was exactly what you describe, examining the origins. I suggested to him that even though he's in a monogamous relationship now, that he still do this internal work because jealousy is a huge monster for him and, I believe, will find a way to rear its head if he doesn't work to be okay with who he is. Unfortunately, it already seems to be true, as he's comparing himself to her previous partners!