Originally Posted by NewCrobuzon
I'd say there are two separate issues going on here.
1. I'm not sure polyamory is really what you need in this situation. To be a bit blunt, you need a good dicking. : P You're focusing on this hot neighbor because he seems accessible, but if your husband gave you to the go-ahead to explore your options a bit, you could go on OKCupid or something like it and find a guy with a vigorous sex style on about 10 seconds flat. This doesn't mean you need to find an extra boyfriend or fall in love with this other person; sex alone should be enough.
2. Even if you manage to sort out the sexual issues in your relationship (either by getting your husband's libido up or finding others to bone), you may still wish to work on the root causes of the ED. While it's great to get sex to avoid overeating, it would still be nice if you weren't at all at risk of plunging back into the spiral should your sex life take a dip.
Wow. Okay, let me take these one at at time, with the easier one first. (#2). I guess I didn't really make it clear before, but I am in fact being treated for my eating disorder. It has been something I have battled for (wow) 20 years now and I'm sure it will always be there. Fortunately I have a great support system. I could give you all of the background and "root causes" but that would take a while. What is more important is where I am now with my recovery. I took a major step recently in recognizing that I was replacing sex with food.
Which brings me back to #1. I can't agree with you here, not for me and my situation. The semi-celibate lifestyle I have been dealing with did not happen overnight and a good lay is not going to correct it (however much fun it might be). I am not really interested in having sex with a stranger. Not because I have to be in love with someone to have sex with him/her, but because the building of sexual tension and arousal is something I enjoy almost as much as the act itself. Hell, if I am being honest I sometimes like the build up even more! The first few times I met our neighbor (the current object of my lust) I was not even attracted to him. As we got to know each other better my sexual interest developed and well, you know the situation now. It is true that I would not be quite so obsessed with these fantasies of him if I had a healthy sex life, but a quickie with the online flavor of the month would not change it.
Please realize that I am only talking about me and my own situation - I am not judging how other people find their partners.
You are right about one thing - polyamory is not the solution to this problem. I say that because I don't consider being polyamorous a solution - it's just who we are. We (DH and I) are not polyamorous because we have a problem in our relationship to solve. In fact, if we did have a shaky relationship this would be a BAD idea. Fortunately, we are both comfortable with ourselves and our relationship.
I am kind of on a high right now because we had a heart to heart last night that reaffirmed our openness and our wish to see each other happy.
As Idealist mentioned, I think my having a sexual outlet with another partner will actually help my DH. He has said that he finds my confidence extremely sexy. Well, as time has gone by, that confidence has eroded. If he sees me happier and more confident it may rekindle some of his own interest. Also, he is relieved at having some of the pressure off of him to "perform" as it were. Feeling pressured does nothing good for his libido. He would definitely relate to what Runicwolf said.
Even though my sexual situation has not changed yet, I already feel like a weight has been lifted because I know I am no longer ignoring my needs and DH is 100% in accord.