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Old 02-09-2012, 09:02 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
Welcome to the forum!

'fraid I haven't any advice, but I think you're awfully brave for living your life full out. You've come to the right place I think.
(and I love your nick)
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. It makes me feel comforted.

As I'm sure you can imagine, already this early in my poly exploration I've come to expect confusion or even morally shocked reactions from people I come to.

Some people don't understand why it hurts to lose someone when I "already have someone" (A). Sometimes mono people don't understand that people aren't interchangeable to me (or to any truly poly person). Of course, if people were interchangeable, poly wouldn't be necessary because one relationship would be exactly like several! It would be like having one huge piece of cherry pie instead of many smaller pieces. But poly, to me, is like a piece of cherry pie, and a piece of apple pie, and maybe a dollop of whipped cream. And a slice of pie you didn't even know existed. And maybe some meat pie or something. And they're overflowing the pie tin, you know? And other people eat from the pie but it never disappears because there's plenty of it.

But I'm off track.

Thank you, is what I'm saying. For understanding. I think I'll like it here.

(Re: My username. Thanks! It's a reference to my favorite fruit, the video game Portal, and the new Battlestar Galactica (33 is the number of minutes between Cylon attacks in one of the first episodes :3).)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
At first I was just going to offer virtual *hugs* and link to this thread because I thought it might help to know that others have had the problem of "I want to be with X but they aren't poly!"
Luckily, I haven't fallen for someone unabashedly monogamous yet. I think such a person and I just might not get along terribly well? I'm very sexually open and I love everyone (just not everyone romantically). People who are more closed off and not at least open to being WITH a poly person (even if they're mono themselves), probably won't like me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
I totally understand that not knowing what people are going to discover about themselves and what decisions they're going to make is scary, but one thing you might want to try to keep in mind is that yes, he could decide he's mono but choose YOU, rather than D (even if he's mono and only wants one relationship for himself he could still be supportive of/okay with you being poly!).
I talked to C tonight for a couple hours and told him my fear. He confirmed it - D had asked him earlier tonight to pursue a monogamous relationship.

In addition to that, we go to a top-ten technological university (he's majoring in electrical engineering and I in cognitive neuroscience), and having just finished the second day of Spring classes he now knows his workload will be INTENSE.

He says what distinguishes very close friends and romantic interests, for him, is whether he allows himself to spend the mental time thinking about them or just shuts it off.

Basically, he could be friends (or at least deny romantic feelings). I couldn't.

He asked what all this would mean for us. I told him that my feelings for him won't be easily turned off.

I have a strict rule: it's okay to be friends if you're in lust. It's not okay to be friends if you want someone romantically and not just sexually.

That ache - that deep, piercing pain below my sternum - that's not okay to feel for a friend. So it's best not to be friends. The only ache I should feel for a just-friend is in my loins!

I could just stop contact with him, which would be smart - but we live fifty feet away on the same hall. It would be rough to see him daily and not be able to be more than friends. It would be rough not to be able to kiss him or stroke his cheek softly or cuddle with him all tangled up. I told him all the sexual stuff isn't even important to me (never mind that he's the best I've had so far). My feelings for him go so far beyond sexual. They'll still be there without the sexual, and I made that clear to him. He did say he could have lots of sex with no feelings - I think perhaps it's the two together that are further confusing him? So that's on hold for now, for both our sakes.

I've been making arrangements to stay with some sorority sisters for a few days at a time. He has his fraternity to stay at if necessary. So we can be apart if absolutely necessary. If we're not, and if I can't be with him in any romantic sense, I'll just hurt and yearn.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
You have a chance even if it turns out he's NOT poly, so it kind of goes back to dating rules that always apply: someone you want to be with might not want to be with you, and that can suck, but that's the way it is regardless of whether someone is mono or poly.
That was the final thing he said to me tonight. I was crying, so sure I was going to lose him. So sure I was going to have to cut off contact.

I said, "I'm pre-missing you."

He said, "Why? Why do you think I won't choose you?"

I said, "I know how much you like him. I know that if it comes down to me or him, it will be him."

"What?" he said. Then, in an affectionate tone: "You're a dumbass."

By then I was laughing / crying a bit harder. "You can't tell me you don't like him more. It doesn't matter if it's poly, but if it's monogamous it does."

At this he looked confused and conflicted at the whole situation. "I like him differently," he explained earnestly. "It's a different interaction."

I thanked him for being clear about how he felt. I hadn't realized he liked me to a similar degree as D because he's more physically affectionate with D (this is probably because D is 6'4" and C is 6'8", so they're well matched when it comes to horseplay).

I said, "I like you a lot. I didn't realize you liked me a lot, too."

He said, "No shit." Basically, he wouldn't be so upset if it were clear to him about whom to choose.

If he chooses me we take things very slowly because he doesn't have much time. He may still be friends with D (or whatever D wants.)

If he chooses D, I choose not to cause myself unnecessary pain by trying to be friends. I choose to contact my sisters and stay with them for awhile, in order to let my feelings fade until the ache isn't so piercing.

I just wish D weren't forcing the issue! :/ I was so happy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
*more hugs* It does seem like there's a LOT going on with you all right now, lots of different directions things can go, and that's unsettling even if it's exciting. I hope everyone continues to handle it all well, with honesty and communication!
Thank you for your support and all the hugs! I really needed it. <3

I'm so thankful for you kids already! (kids being my favorite gender-neutral term of endearment) It's too complicated a situation to explain it AND polyamory at the same time to people. So it's good to have a base level of knowledge with you folks.
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