Hey everyone, hope you're all having a splendid day
So I'm is somewhat of a predicament and I'm not sure how to proceed. My girlfriend (Jay) and I decided to test the polyamorous waters around Christmas time. Previously she was the only one who showed much interest in it and it has taken me a while to fully grasp and become comfortable with it. When she moved to another city (4+ hour drive) last fall, we begun to talk about how it would effect our relationship and how we should go about making adjustments for our new lifestyles. This is how we decided to try polyamory.
Now that you have the lowdown, I'll go into a bit more depth about this situation. It might be kind of a silly dilemma, but as this is my first polyamory experience, I'm pretty foggy about how to proceed. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Once we decided to give polyamory a shot, I assumed that Jay would become involved with someone else fairly quickly. She was the one who had taken interest in it and seemed to be quite excited about the idea of finding another girlfriend and/or boyfriend. You can imagine what a shock it was for me to realize that I'm actually developing feelings for someone before she is!
I've been with Jay for nearly five years now. However when we first started dating, I was madly in love with one of her close friends. I had been in love with this woman for a couple years, but at the time she was in a long distance relationship and I was a frigid virgin, so it never developed into anything official (though we both clearly had feelings for one another).
After Jay and I had been dating for a while, we ended up moving in together. One of our roommates was this close friend... the close friend who I was still in love with. Needless to say that this love eventually caused huge issues between Jay and I and ended up resulting in a lot of hurt and anguish. After that I was able to stay with Jay and worked at getting over this woman.
This all happened roughly 3 and a half years ago. Plenty of time to move on, and plenty of time for healing, right?
Well, it just so happens that this woman now also lives in the same town as Jay does. She is also currently in a polyamorous relationship. I've hung out with her dozens of times without so much as a warm fuzzy feeling or a shiver. However the other day Jay sent me some pictures of a photoshoot they had together and something happened. I realized that I'm still definitely attracted to this woman. I'm not in love with her like I use to be, but I love her as a close and valued friend. It took me off guard and shook me up a bit.
I'm torn because I have no inclination to believe that she is still attracted to me. She also lives five hours away so it's doubtful that I'm going to have the chance to pursue it.
So my question to you my fellow polyamorites, is should I tell my girlfriend about these new feelings and risk re-opening old wounds? Should I wait to see if it persists when I move out there this summer/fall? Or should I just forget the whole thing and get over it because nothing is likely to come of it?
I would love to hear your opinions. Thanks in advance