I had some revelation today, on the way to the chiropractor. I've been home sick for two days and I figured having my neck way out wasn't helping anything.
Probably shouldn't have driven myself. I have a personal rule (okay, it's obviously more of a guideline) that I don't drive with a fever unless I have to. Current bf was off work and home, and would have driven me if I had asked. But I know it would've been a burden to him and and and...I dunno, I just went.
But I was thinking about that most of my closest people would rather I was not with these two men. Not that I wasn't with two men, but these two in particular. And I wondered to myself why I choose difficult paths for myself. There has been zero about either of these relationships that has ever been 'traditional'.
Then I had the thought that I am a better person. I thought about the universe providing what I need, rather than what I want. Not that I have ever been all that clear on, or demanding of, what I want.
I was raised to be incredibly dependent. I had a piss-poor model for a romantic relationship. One side only ever had one grandparent (in my lifetime); other grandparents ~ grandpa passed when I was 6, and had been busy dying of lung cancer since I was 1 year. My mother was a narcissist and my father is a sociopath. [I was conversing at a meetup once and said this, totally appropriate to the convo, and one woman said, 'are you okay?' Honestly, it was the sweetest thing. And I said, 'I am now.'] My father started seeing other women almost right after I was born. Some of them came home with him, my mother served them dinner. I did not know these were affairs until I was in my late teens. (I dunno, maybe it was later. I did find out my folks were having sex as teens ~ and my mother wanted to kill my father for telling me) But I was infused with all her warped notions of romance and the unspoken text that one should do anything to keep a man, and yada-endless-effing-blah.
The revelation on the way to the chiropractor, was that if I had men who catered to my nuttiness, I think I would lazily fall back into that dependent position. I would count on them to be my everything (and that's just ridiculous, I hate that when people do it to me, I don't want to do it to someone else).
So my men give me the opportunity to step up and learn about taking care of myself, and that I can be loved without having someone be everything. I wish I had someone that wanted to drive me to the doctor's office; but if I did, I'd likely find them boring because they had no life of their own. That's a huge exaggeration, and I hope I'm making my point.
I actually have another ex who brought me cough syrup one day (several months ago) ~ because I asked him to. I knew he was home (he's retired) and I really was incapable of going out. He handed me the bag, while staying as far away as he could, and we were having the briefest of conversations. His girlfriend called, and obviously asked what he was up to. He told her, and she blew a gasket. I think she must've said '*I* needed cough syrup and you didn't bring me any.' because what he responded was 'She asked me. You didn't ask.' That was a HUGE lesson for me.
It's nice to know I have help when I ask. It's irritating to know they'd rather not be asked. Irritating in the way that makes pearls, I think.
I'm a pearl.