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Old 02-08-2012, 11:06 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Originally Posted by Red0824 View Post
Thatgirlingray, how long did it take for your husband to be ok with you being poly? Is it still a struggle for him at times? Or have you two reached a wonderful medium?
Unfortunately my experience with this isn't going to be helpful, I don't think. We started our relationship with agreements about flirting and dancing with other people (we were in college, so frat parties and going out clubbing were the extent of our social lives after school and work anyway), and over the years (14!) as our relationship has grown and strengthened and new situations have occurred with different people we've handled them one by one and decided what we each wanted and were comfortable with. Gradually we reached a point about 8 years ago where my emotional connection to someone became significant and that was sort of the start of recognizing that I was poly. He's mono, but definitely poly-supportive. So we never really had a big or dramatic "opening up" of our relationship. We got there together, even though the concept doesn't apply to us both the same way.

Not everyone feels the same way as I do, but to me, by marrying my husband and agreeing to have children with him, my commitment is to him and our kids first, and then to others as possible. This doesn't mean I treat TGIB disrespectfully or as disposable, nor does MC expect to ALWAYS be my top priority, but it does mean that part of the way I show my love and respect to MC (and my appreciation for how much he works at our relationship too!) is by sticking as closely as possible to what he's comfortable with. Anyone I have a relationship with has to respect MC and my relationship with him as much as they respect me, so anyone who has tried to push me beyond those boundaries has gotten a swift send-off.

Maybe, instead of her "waiting" for him, they can "take a break"? She'll know he at least plans to pick back up with her again, but he won't have to worry about how she's doing (beyond average friendship) in the upcoming months, so he'll be less distracted and more able to focus on you and the baby.

ETA: I don't know if I can articulate the difference in my mind between "waiting" and "taking a break", but there's less...expectation, maybe? "Waiting", to me, is for a predetermined length of time, which I don't think is a good idea. "Taking a break" is less structured, more of a general "until this is workable and reasonable again".
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack

Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 02-08-2012 at 11:11 PM.
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