Thank you all for your input. I guess that's my problem - you all represent the different angles I take on this, and in a sense the different voices in my head ! That's why I'm so torn
ThatGirlInGray, I think you're right and I should just explain it to him. In fact, I'm going to ask him to read this thread and I guess, well... then let him make his own mind. I feel like he needs proof that I trust him to take care of things, even if this means trusting him to make his own mistakes. And the power dynamics here are already so fucked up - he has ultimate power over his relationship with her, deciding they're friends when she would rather they were more, and then I have power over their interactions and I want out of this. I've spent so long feeling bad that my existence, and the fact that he fell in love with me and decided to commit to me, has hurt her and I'm sick of feeling this way. I know I do tend to think too much about how other people feel, maybe I'm overdoing it... it's great when I get paid for it but a headache in my spare time!
Anyway, do I have any reason to feel a moral obligation towards this girl or wanting to protect her from having her heart stomped on? Do I have a right to feel he's being a little bit amoral and selfish by being so careless about the psychological or emotional impact it could have on her? He's normally an incredibly caring and conscientious person, but he's also a very sexual and sexually experienced man and I feel he's just totally blind to the fact that sex and intimacy could mean a hell of a lot to her than it does to him. I mean, if she found sex easy she'd be having it with other people by now. It's like he thinks that because he made it clear they're just going to be friends he's not going to break her heart, and I'm surprised he's so naive. I also know he has a tendency to try to please everyone and maybe he thinks if he gives her a little of what she wants (to be physically close to him) she'll be happy even though she won't get what she really
wants (to be his in a relationship with him) and seems cruel to me to give her a taste of what she can never have. Then again he knows her better than I do... Idk, maybe I'm just reading too much into all of this