Explaining to a non-poly friend...
...that it isn't about spicing up our sex life!
I just had a frustrating conversation with a friend who knows (recently) that DH and I are poly. A little background - neither DH and I are currently involved with anyone else.
It went like this, over coffee:
I was venting about the fact that we (DH and I) have had sex less than a dozen times since our daughter was born 4 years ago. DH and I have had many conversations recently that have resulted in knowing that he just is not interested in sex lately (or for quite a while) and though it has nothing to do with me, it of course effects me directly since it means I am not having sex either. Although we identified as poly more than 5 years ago, we have not done much about it due to a busy life, moving, kids, etc.
Anyway, my friend (I will call her Jane) is concerned that DH isn't really going to be okay with me having a BF and that we just need to "try new things" and understand that it is totally normal to have less sex after kids and blah blah. I love Jane dearly, but I was getting a little fed up with her assumptions about what my DH is feeling (she doesn't know him THAT well) about our relationship and potential poly lifestyle.
I explained that although DH would have sex tonight if I asked him to, it would purely be to make me happy and not really something he was wanting. Well, she says, what is wrong with that?
Um, let me count the ways. Why should DH have sex if he doesn't really want to? Why should I settle for a willing but uninterested partner? What would be the long-term effects on our relationship? DH and I love each other very much, we each want the others happiness.
Jane admitted that she and her DH rarely have sex and that although she was often too tired after their second child was born, she had sex because he wanted to.
Ah, do you all see what I am getting at? I guess typing this out has brought me to a certain conclusion. Jane and her DH have made choices for their sex life that my DH and I do not want. Jane, perhaps, is not comfortable with the idea that there are alternatives to what they have done?
I just wanted to scream "you aren't listening" when she kept saying that DH and I just need to spice up our sex life. She offered to babysit for crying out loud - to give us an opportunity. Like that explains it? We have been celibate for a YEAR because we didn't have a babysitter?
Lately I have been contemplating "coming out" to friends and family. I guess Jane's reaction is just a taste of what I can expect.