Originally Posted by SittingPretty
My motivation was that I would also always prefer to know from a potential partner's partner that they were fine with me dating their partner. My thought process was that it means that everyone is on the same page, and everyone is comfortable with the situation.
I had been told that H was quite unsure of dating someone who was in a relationship already, so it seemed logical to me to try and reassure her. And I don't have a history of coming across badly when drunk.
You did the right thing! Most experienced poly people like to meet their new partner's other partner(s), just to make sure everyone is cool with the situation. I've got a new bf (2 months of dating), the Ginger, and this past weekend I took my primary, miss pixi, to the his house to meet him, and for both of us to meet his wife. It went great (see my blog last's post).
As far as monitoring this for future poly entanglements, it is a source of great worry to me that he won't be able to handle poly, as it is a dealbreaker for me. I know that there are plenty more fish in the sea, but I love this man and would like to make this work if at all possible. I am concerned however that sometimes in the interests of making things work I am more likely to apologise and accept blame/responsibility for his feelings when I should be telling him to man up.
Don't despair and let yourself think he'll never be able to handle poly. It's a learning curve, and sometimes a rollercoaster. Traditional dating is hard enough, being poly just makes it even more challenging.
As for your husband saying he might be too "old, fat and ugly," that's his own low self esteem talking. He needs to take responsibility for that. He isn't really ugly, right? And 38 is so not old... altho to a 19 year old, it might be. As for his weight, he can embrace and love his burly physique, or if it really bothers him, start watching his diet and working out.
I'm 56 and I've got two 34 year old lovers... and my oldest lover (the Gentleman), at 63, sometimes has told me he thinks he is "fat, old and boring," especially compared to them. I won't stand for it. I told him (affectionately, sensitively), "How can I love you if you don't love yourself?" As a result, he is now working harder at battling his depression issues, eating better, and renovating his condo, which he had let fall into disrepair.