Moodiness and taking responsibility
Sward and I had a good talk today. As both of us felt like something was a bit off and Lin talked to me yesterday and asked what was wrong with us, I got to talk out things with Lin first and by weighing his opinion and observations I found the key to what was going wrong between Sward and I during the last weeks. Found something to work on again.
Well, what happened: Sward is generally a bit too moody compared to his normal self. Due to back pain, medical treatment, prospects in his job and adjusting to being home much more than he was used to, he became a bit unstable. Additional to this development he didn't leave for visits at his close friends or social meetings he used to attend regularly. As I was complaining about him not having enough time for me (next to friends, meetings, work and such back then), he liquidated his own garden (for business) because it was consuming too much of his time. This became apparent to be not beneficial to our situation at the moment.
On my part: I knew how difficult the adjustment to our living situation has been for all of us. It went well, but it was a severe cut in regard to what everyone was used to. And I felt responsible for this. Responsible as in: this is my fault. Who was the one adding the whole mess to our lifes? I. Who is the one asking for outrageous things? I.
This didn't work well together. While Sward changed his ways, I felt responsible for this change. And I felt that this was unfair to me, that I didn't know how to change it and that I can't be made responsible for his happiness. But he seemed to do this constantly, because he was constantly a bit unstable and moody and hey, if he is moody the cause has to be me. Bad circle.
When Lin asked me, why I was so down yesterday, we needed some time to get to the root of the problem. But when he mentioned that he noticed that Sward was treated differently by me than he (Lin), we were able to narrow it down.
Sward and I are kind of linked emotional wise. As soon as there is the slightest change to his mood, I get it instantly. (11 ½ years have to have some kind of effect on a couple, don't they?) So, for example, me noticing a change in Swards mood for the worse, Sward initiating some kind of contact, me getting the notion of 'be aware, you have to fix something right now', me feeling pressured, me rejecting the initiated contact because of this, Sward feeling treated badly, Sward backing down. Both of us feeling resentment towards each other.
Why doesn't this happen with Lin? Because he seems to be unaffected if I reject some of his advances. There is no pressure to behave in a certain way. As he is in his normal mood, I don't have to worry that he is feeling down. As Sward is constantly in a not so light mood, I get that he is feeling down but don't see the whole range of reasons behind it. Just the 'my-fault-notion'.
When Sward and I talked today and I explained to him what was going on, he agreed that we need to be more aware of the things going on in the back of our minds. Because, as he was feeling not so great, he really turned to me more often for support, to make him feel better.
So we need to work on (me) not feeling responsible for the overall temper of the other and (him) not trying to make himself feel better by turning to me to fix his problems.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.