Thread: Conflicted
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Old 02-07-2012, 11:11 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
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Originally Posted by secretposter View Post
Mistook a self-centered, immature, greedy, 'curious' fling with 'love', completely deluded myself that it meant more than that, and shattered every part of a woman who has loved me wholly, monogamously, and unconditionally since she was seventeen, by lying to her, consistantly assuring her, swearing she was all I ever wanted, my One True Love.

Now that she is destroyed, I realise with horror that she was all I wanted, after all. I'm not poly. I made a selfish, stupid, mistake.

My wife is young, and beautiful, and sweet and good, and I threw everything she gave me away on a dumb whim.

Loving, innocent, wife now in intensive counselling and marriage destroyed.
Don't understand how she can want or love or forgive me when I've treated her so badly and devastated what she gave me.

She is so sad and embarrassed, yet cares enough for me to hold my hand through STD appointments. She has spoken compassionately on the phone to my 'lover' and is desperately trying to come to terms with what I did. She's an angel, trying to support ME, when she herself is gutted inside.

I don't know why I did what I did.
Somehow, she forgives me.
I don't think I can forgive myself.
It is so painful when we hurt ourselves through our own stupidity and so much worse when our actions hurt our loved ones. Yes, you did something deeply untrustworthy and profoundly hurtful.

Think about what nycindie and hyperskeptic have written. They are wise.

I don't know you or your wife and could be completely off base so use or ignore as you see fit.

You appear to be putting your wife on a high pedestal. She is innocent, sweet, good, young, and angelic. The problem with pedestals is that one never actually sees the loved one for who they actually are. I wonder if you see your wife as she is. If this is accurate, you need to see the actual woman, not the young, angelic, innocent version trapped on the pedestal, in order to begin to repair your marriage.

Are you older than yourr wife? She was quite young when you two became involved. I also wonder if there is a bit of a madonna/whore dynamic going on - it's pretty obvious who takes on what role in your mental landscape. As hyperskeptic wrote better than I can, your 'lover' is a woman, who while responsible for her actions, deserves respectful consideration even as you hate your own actions.

So some thoughts. Maybe you find them useful, maybe not.
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