Hello to everyone, I could really do with some insight on this!
Just a quick intro, I've always tended to be non-monogamous in my relationships (but never cheated). Female, 32, have been with current bf for nearly 2 years. This is my second non-mono relationship. Started as an open relationship but as we're becoming more secure and comfortable and happier with each other I can see it going poly. He even has a lady friend I'd be happy for him to be poly with. However, this issue is about a lady friend I'm, well, realllly confused and conflicted about.
My man is 40 and like most people has some issues of his own - namely ADHD which has been undiagnosed for most of his life and caused him a LOT of untold suffering, depression and low self-esteem. He's sorted through most of this and in a good place. Also he has delayed ejaculation which can make him go all night but also self-conscious. I'm generally secure but have some abandonment anxiety and jealousy and stuff, we're both very open and try to understand each other and support each other.
When he was still married (he separated from wife before meeting me) he had a lady friend, let's call her M. She's in her early 20s, was a virgin when they met, socially awkward and shy and at the same time passive-aggressive and with anger issues. Doesn't sound emotionally mature or stable really. Anyway... he ended up sleeping with her while breaking up with wife. They were together for a while but she really drove him mad with her aggression and general demand and attitude (she'd sulk for whole evenings, or just not talk all night if she wasn't in the mood). She's also generally unstable, changing jobs/getting sacked every 3-6 months, moving flats every 6 months or so, just something odd going on there. And doesn't seem to have friends, only him.
He pulled away from having a relationship with her, he tried going open at first and it was still an issue so he ended up not sleeping with her anymore and telling her they were just going to be friends. For the next year, she'd still come over once a week and spend the night (they both work until late so it makes sense, she'd only arrive at 11pm or so). He'd speak to me on the phone in front of her, she knew about us and obviously was upset that he stopped being romantically involved with her but never talked about this directly because she's just not very communicative. He avoided letting us meet for AGES until I had enough and insisted, I met her a couple of weeks ago. She's young and pretty enough, but walks around like a puppy that's been kicked, avoids eye contact, speaks in near whisper and is apparently always like this. Like a fairly traumatised girl who has no self-esteem.
I'm a therapist by profession and, well, she just reminds me of some of my patients. He's asked if he could start having sex with her again as a fuck buddy at some time in the future if I get to know her a bit better and decide I'm comfortable with it. He said sometimes when she's around he feels like sleeping with her, and that he doesn't like feeling so constrained since she doesn't constitute a threat to our relationship (I agree). The way he sees it, she'd make a good fuck buddy as they get on well as mates and apparently she has a low sex drive and only wants it once in a while so they wouldn't be having sex every time she visits. But I have the following worries:
1. She was a virgin when they met and I believe hasn't had any sexual relationships since, so no experience or sexual experimentation. Is this really mature enough to get involved in something like this? I just feel she'll end up getting hurt and it'll have an impact on our relationship.
2. She is so devoted to him and he's her only close friend and person she's been intimate with, I know she is in love with him and he's not with her in the same way. She's asked him several times why they couldn't be together and he keeps telling her they don't work together as partners but make good friends - she seems to accept this but could change if they start sleeping together again. He does however have genuine affection for her but would always put me first. He said I should trust him to manage this if there's emotional fallout, but it doesn't feel fair on her... I know he's been clear with her but I do wonder if she'd just put up with whatever he gives her as she doesn't know any better. The last two times she moved flats she's been getting places closer to him, and he doesn't see why it's freaking me out!
3. As I mentioned, he's not had an easy life and it's like sometimes he thinks he's as emotionally damaged as she is so it's ok, but actually he'd be going home to a loving relationship and she wants one with him but can't have it, it's as though he won't accept that this might not be in her best interest - or tell me poly people, is this simply non of my business and I should trust him?
I feel bad about being so controlling of their interactions and feel I should just set him free, our relationship should survive it even if it's a mistake, but...
I also feel a bit creeped out that he'd be so into sleeping with this vulnerable, emotionally messed up and isolated girl who is nearly young enough to be his daughter. Is it moral? Do I have a right to say no? Should I stop assuming I know what's good for this fully grown adult I don't know very well? Or should I pull him up on potentially doing her some real emotional and psychological damage? Help, so confused!!
And thanks to all