From my journal last night:
Amazing. Here is more evidence that letting go leads to beginnings, that saying how you feel, even while cringing from the blow you are delivering yourself in someoneís honor has rewards. Immediate rewards this time.
When I wrote you yesterday, and told you I respected you and let go of my last expectation, I knew it was right because it felt amazing to do it. Only when I tried to tell D how good it all was did I cry thinking you were out of my life and feeling the loss, but I still felt right, because I knew I did right by you.
I thought today that I have learned from this something about loving people- learned about that dreaded word sacrifice, which I hate so and even more when ďselfĒ precedes it. I thought about how self-sacrifice can be love- not always, but can be. I thought that if I didnít let you go, I may have been able to reel you in despite your misgivings, and hurt you, and that would hurt me, because I donít want to cause you pain, and I donít want to cultivate a disaster scenario for you or myself.
Tonight you contacted me, which was surprising, considering how long it usually takes you to process. I expected at least a few days to pass before you responded, especially considering the situation.
We were gleeful to talk with each other. Relieved, unburdened. You thanked me. Then you did this thing that knocked me out- you started opening up-not vaguely about concepts but with trust in me that you could tell me your secrets and the details of your personal life. I know this was made possible by our exchange about where our relationship was headed, and I daresay you felt the love in my actions.
You said ďHow open can I be with you?Ē and I said as open as you wanted to be. You made me promise to keep your confidence.
The elusive S takes a leap of faith, and all because I let you go not knowing if you would want to even stay friends or not. We talked about some other time and place that may find us in each otherís arms or just having coffee when I come to the Cape next, but agreed that life was too short to ignore the gut.
You trusted me! We ended the conversation with warm feelings of friendship and newfound reality between us. I am really astonished. I feel so rewarded. There is so much about you and me that would have been impossible for me to navigate just a year ago, or even when we met.
The way this has brought D and I closer, the beautiful, open discovery of who you are without hiding or guilt, the letting go, even talking with you about another woman was like second nature- no cattiness or squeamishness cast even the merest shadow on my concern for you.
I want your happiness, Dís happiness, my happiness, I want HAPPINESS.
I want to be surrounded by love-thatís what I want in life, because I know the hard times will keep on coming and I know thatís what love is for-so you donít have to be alone, so you can get to the other side, so you can truly appreciate joy. Iíve changed.
"Rocks will open and make a way for the lover."
~Hazrat Inayat Khan
I love Catfish and Charlie.