Stupid mistake. Stupid, selfish, idiotic mistake.
Mistook a self-centered, immature, greedy, 'curious' fling with 'love', completely deluded myself that it meant more than that, and shattered every part of a woman who has loved me wholly, monogamously, and unconditionally since she was seventeen, by lying to her, consistantly assuring her, swearing she was all I ever wanted, my One True Love.
Now that she is destroyed, I realise with horror that she was all I wanted, after all. I'm not poly. I made a selfish, stupid, mistake.
My wife is young, and beautiful, and sweet and good, and I threw everything she gave me away on a dumb whim.
Loving, innocent, wife now in intensive counselling and marriage destroyed.
Don't understand how she can want or love or forgive me when I've treated her so badly and devastated what she gave me.
She is so sad and embarrassed, yet cares enough for me to hold my hand through STD appointments. She has spoken compassionately on the phone to my 'lover' and is desperately trying to come to terms with what I did. She's an angel, trying to support ME, when she herself is gutted inside.
I don't know why I did what I did.
Somehow, she forgives me.
I don't think I can forgive myself.