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Old 02-06-2012, 04:33 PM
Tesla Tesla is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
Smile A small step back, but a giant leap forward!

Well, his friend has cut he and I out of her life for the time being. She was upset with how long things are taking and believes he is lying to both of us. When he told me I was shocked. I then became upset. But I attributed all of my sadness to guilt because I didn't think sad was a fitting emotion. After all, isn't this what I wanted, her out of our lives? So I pegged it as guilt, blaming my emotions on my feeling responsible for what has happened (as I am the one who is slowing things down). That night after he told me I was thinking a lot about everything and for a moment I felt grief. I was grieving for the loss of this girl and her bf in our lives. Once I felt that I couldn't stop feeling it because I truly want them both in our lives. I know I have felt this way all along, but I've been so scared. I've been scared to admit it to him and even to an extent to myself. I know this because every time I let myself feel anything but anger towards either of them I would scream and yell inside until I was filled with the comfort and security of anger again. Anger is easy and familiar; conflicting feelings about multiple people, not so much.

We had talked about their relationship and ours after he revealed what was going on with her presently and discussed his hopes and desires for our future together as well as with them...again (because I like to talk things into the ground). But because I was grieving this time I wasn't listening to him through a filter of blind rage and I finally heard him and the earnestness behind his words. These things he had been telling me all along were not simple tales told to make the situation easier for me, they were true!

He and I spoke briefly about it and we will discuss it more tonight, but he's relieved that I feel this way and that I was able to talk to him about it. We are going to take this day by day, but hopefully something meaningful and full of love will grow from it. And hopefully we haven't lost them forever.

I would like to thank all of you who had replied to my original post for helping me to understand...everything. I would especially like to thank Bookbug for the suggestion of writing out the lists of things I like about myself and things I do well. It was incredibly difficult at first, but I am now very rarely berating myself in my head and I believe it shows in my day to day life.

Yikes! It felt so good to talk to him yesterday and so good to be able to write this today!

Last edited by Tesla; 02-06-2012 at 04:56 PM.
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