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Old 11-18-2009, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
A person can be committed to aspects of the relationship at varying degrees. But, sexual/intimate exclusivity within a monogamous relationship is the key to defining the commitment two people make to each other.

Commitment to a monogamous relationship is based on being exclusive. Exclusivity and commitment go hand in hand.
They may go hand in hand, but I still don't see them as the same thing. It could be that in a monogamous context exclusivity is a necessary factor for it to be monogamous, and you can even say that that monogamous people make a commitment to be exclusive, but again, they are two different factors. The commitment is what you do. The exclusivity of monogamy is one particular way to manifest and follow through with a commitment. It is but one of many ways a person commits to a relationship. It just so happens that it is a necessary factor for monogamy.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Why direct energy trying to understand the monogamist ideal of commitment when you have no desire to apply it in your own life is my question?
Well, why do you post about your views on monogamy and commitment in other places? Why do you post about polyamory if you're monogamous? To get ideas out there and discuss them. I have continually seen on this board, on other boards and in many discussions the idea that commitment is measured in terms of exclusivity, i.e. somehow relationships eventually evolve into some form of fidelity and are somehow more committed than relationships that remain open. I've also seen a lot of judgement behind many of those assumptions. These are the kinds of assumptions that continue to drive negative stereotypes around polyamory. Plus it creates a false dichotomy between what it means to have a healthy mono or a healthy poly relationship.

And lastly, when opinions are put out there that drive negative stereotypes of any kind, I'm going to challenge them. When people start saying things like "It's only my opinion, but I think gay people are more promiscuous than straight people. But that's just my opinion. If it's ok for them, then more power to them!", of course people aren't going to remain silent. It may seem innocuous (though I imagine it doesn't sound so innocuous to us) but assumptions like that do a lot of damage and create a lot of prejudice that translates into an entire group of people in our society being marginalized in life altering ways. Those same types of assumptions can be harmful when applied to poly people. Because the idea that being in an open relationship is less committed pervades our society. It can damage poly families, it can disempower women who would have to hide their nature in order to not lose their families, it can marginalize men who practice ethical non-monogamy. I have seen people almost lose their kids because of such assumptions about commitment. It can do and has done a WHOLE lot of damage to people who choose to live this way.

So yes, I'm going to challenge these views, even if they're only opinions.

Last edited by Ceoli; 11-18-2009 at 07:17 AM.
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