I feel for you. I can empathize entirely right now. Read my blog from the beginning of this year (2012) on and you will see what has been going on for me in regards to a similar situation.
Really, you can't make a metamour do as you like. Too bad really, but then that is part of the process of letting go I think. In your case you don't really have a choice in this matter. She is not going to approach you and you are stuck with her. Still, you can change how you do things though. Be as charming and hospitable as possible, be a gracious host to her in your life. Tell her how wonderful she is to your shared man, how much you appreciate that because he is awesome, etc. Send along cookies or things she likes when he goes off to see her, send her links that you think she will like from what you know about her (ask your man what she likes and get to know her through him), etc. The way I saw it is that at least, if she never talks to you and things end badly, you can feel good about the effort you made.
I think that dropping the whole hierarchy bit might be an idea. If you have been poly for this long by now I would think it has served its purpose and you can move on. Generally poly folk kinda let that go after a time and focus on just having healthy relationships with strong foundations and commitments to different aspects of their life. Hierarchy is more for those starting out that have fear around ownership and possession issues... letting go of that and focusing on your faithfulness and fidelity being to your commitments to one another rather than to sex and emotion means that she might see that she is a strong player in your dynamic, just as strong as you are. Along with being really welcoming towards her, you might find in time that she warms up and doesn't feel as threatened if you approach her in the ways I have mentioned (because you took the threat away).
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