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Old 02-04-2012, 04:42 PM
PurpleBee PurpleBee is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 2
Default Emotional Roller-Coaster

Hey all.

I suffer with the conflict of being open minded vs being human! I'll be as brief as possible with my history. I've been with my partner for 15 years. We were monogomous. We are extemely honest and open about all aspects of ourselves and always have been. A few years back, some major crap happened in his family mostly involving death(!) and it span him out. It massively affected his desire to connect with others (friends have always been important for us both), but for him, this became sexual, or rather the intimacy that derives from a sexual relationship. It all happened quite slowly and was something that we just talked about. He knew that I was interested in exploring sexual relationships with women and then I had a few hours of fun with a friend who's a lesbian. He had encouraged this and didn't have any issues but jokingly startws to use the phrase that he had "sex in the bank". And I took it on, partly 'cos I felt a bit of guilt, but also because I understood his need for exploration. I had played a bit loose when I was younger (before we were together) but he'd always been very morally monogomous and had never been into the idea of one night stands and actually didn't have the confidence to think that he could.

This all began about 4 years ago. In that time he's been in a few intimate situations with other women and then eventually slept with one, and stayed with her a couple of times. There have been 2 other women since, one whom he had an intense relationship with (although long distance and not based on sex) and the other has just begun.

We're both emotionally mature and enjoy exploring the complexities and intellectual questions that these years have raised. And we're both honest with how we feel. I know he loves me deeply, is still in love with me and sees our connection as very special and concrete. He knows that his need for other connections isn't a reflection of our relationship and he is always aware of potential signs of doom!

The roller coaster for me is that I fully understand his need for this, and I know it's not a reflection on us. I like the opportunity of being at home by myself, and of having the space - physcially and emotionally. It's been such a tough few years that it's almost a relief to have him in someone else's emotional space! And I want to see him happy and I like how he can be lifted by an experience. I have accepted his choice and allowed him to do this. On the flip side, it hurts. I often have "I didn't sign up for this" running through my head and "what about me?". I feel an intense loneliness because I don't have anyone I can really open up to about this, and I like to talk I hate the thought of him with someone else and I have an inherent distrust of other women because I'm now seeing my friends hover around him. I understand why the jealousy is there and I'm not afraid to explore my own issues but even in understanding them, it's still so painful! My bf thinks I should get some of my own action - which would be female not male - and I think he's probably right. It would help me shift perspective a bit and also give me some pleasure But I actually feel really scared even though I know I'm hot

I'm not sure what I'm really looking for from this thread, I think I just need to share and to have understanding from those who know.
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