Poly Husband and Mono Wife
All three of us are in the 28-31 year old range. And please excuse my outline form, as I've never written anything blog-like before. Given the size, it may help with skimming.
I'm Bi, but I've mostly lived in areas that actively discriminate/act against interest in Men. With this, my relationships have ended up being with women. I've had many relationships but have always struggled with the "You must love only a single person" rule in life. I also have had many forbidden loves, but due to criticism of my sexual orientation and social pressures against multi-love, I've kept much of it buried deep away. As such, I slowly grew into a very introverted person who was afraid of making strong friendships in fear that love may develop.
Rose (Wife) (she goes by ASharedRose on these forums)
Beautiful and kind woman. She emits an aura of 'protection', and will one day be an excellent mother. At this point, she's Mono thru-and-true. She has lived by the Knight-and-shining-armor code her whole life, where there's a princess to be rescued and the prince is coming. I was her first male sexual partner, and currently only male sexual partner. She has bi- tendencies, and has been with a woman (just as threesome). She has a little dating experience outside of our relationship, but has never gone anywhere sexually.
Beautiful, smart, and quirky woman. She's been single all her life, as she hasn't quite found a person or relationship that fits her yet. Her views on love, sex, and companionship are rather unique... but align well with a poly-fi line of thinking. Her orientation is somewhat 'unknown' due to inexperience, but she shows interest in both males and females. She's been a close friend with Rose for over a year. I've had feelings for her for a long while, but have suppressed them.
Me and Rose (Husband / Wife Dynamic)
I felt it may be important to give some information on how our relationship is structured. We've loved each other for 11+ years, together for more than 8 years, and have been married for just over one year. She is one of the most open minded people I have met.
Our relationship has been an open relationship, but for sex only. While not required, she is interested in playing with the third and has done so in the past with me. We have no true gender preference, but so far only a woman has been the third. It was a friend of hers that we had a 1-2 month 'thing' with before moving out of that state.
We also have a very honest relationship. I'm not really able to lie to my my wife, to the point that she calls me 'Vulcan' sometimes. I'll answer any and every question she ever asks, non-coated and direct. Additionally, I'll pre-disclose without prompt any information that I suspect that she would want to know about. In reverse, I feel she does the same. I do admit that this can get me into trouble sometimes... but that's a different story I guess.
I also love her very much. If I could do it all again, I'd still marry her.
Today & the Situation
Close to a month ago, I finally came out to Rose as being poly and wanting more than just a sexual encounters with others. She somewhat swallowed this but didn't want to have a vee relationship, but rather a Triangle. It's important to her to have a deep and potentially sexual relationship with the other party. With this, she proposed Biscuit as the third. Fate is a funny thing....
An interesting side effect of coming out is that my personality has changed quite a bit. I'm much more open to the world and other people now that I don't feel like I have to hide. I've finally told my friend circle about my sexual orientation, which was well received, and have just been overall 'happier'. Additionally, I feel a renewed love for my wife. I've always loved her, but I finally feel unshackled by guilt of being a different person than who I felt I was.
2-3 weeks ago, the proposal was offered to Biscuit. Three days passed and she returned with a checklist of questions. After resolving those, she answered with an excited but anxious "yes". It was strangely business-like in execution, but that's exactly how at least she and I are.
It seems that she may, in fact, have some feelings for the both of us in 'that' way. Additionally, her worldview and emotional state makes her think that such an arrangement will work well for her. She's a very secluded type and doesn't trust easy, but she trusts both of us.
Both Biscuit and Rose are pretty committed people. Because of this, they asked me to remain Triad-Fi to them. I wasn't comfortable with that sort of restriction at first, but the time and energy to maintain two relationships (along with a Job) make that actually something I can agree to. They understand that I may love another (and I do, a male friend that I've known for a long time), but I'm to remain faithful physically to them. I'd like to stress that I'm actually okay with this for the reason I stated two sentences ago. I just... don't have enough time in a day for more. I did/do leave it open to them to have relationships with whoever they want, but neither show any interest in that at this time.
Rose and I own a house, and Biscuit has an apartment. Biscuit and I can do whatever we want as long as it's not in the house. Also, I must disclose any 'steps forward' to Rose promptly after they occur. Additionally, nothing between Biscuit and I may happen in the company of Rose until Rose is at that stage of the relationship with Biscuit. (For example, I may not kiss Biscuit in front of Rose until Rose and Biscuit kiss on their own). These rules were put in place because it's pretty understood that my relationship with her has, and will continue to, move faster than theirs. Also, this whole slew of rules will be readjusted if any of us flip to a Vee situation. At this time, I'd likely be the vertex if that happened.
No other rules still remain. There was a 'no sex until all three of us do it together', but that's been axed for fairness and to allow the relationships to grow organically.
Current Relationship Level / Feelings / Fears / Etc
Rose is having a tough time. She has been a mix of highly-supportive and emotional turmoil. Her feelings come off as more "grief" than anything else, and the general honesty has kept anger down.
Her common sources of disturbance stem from these roots, which I'm not sure how to handle:
- "We will no longer have anything sacred between us. She'll have what I have"
- "I'm losing time with you. We spend all our free time together, and now that will diminish"
- "I want to be the only person you love. Why am I not enough? What's wrong with me?"
She comes off as distant to me now. She loves me still, but is afraid to be close at times. She's torn, because she believes that if she pushes me away, then I'll just go spend more time with Biscuit. But at the same time, she wants to 'punish' me in a sense by pushing me away. I understand, and will remain patient.
She is generally happy but afraid of hurting Rose. She'd like to develop her relationship with Rose some, but is keeping distance until Rose copes with her pain. She's very patient, and is in a pure reactionary state. She has expressed no desire to speed up any component of the relationship/situation, so she's doing the best out of the three of us right now.
I'm stuck in a state of anxiety mixed with NRE for both Biscuit and Rose. I still hold much guilt for hurting Rose with all of this, but I do rationalize it away as "I'm honest, that's the best I can do".
It's tough to bottle in all my dreams and desires, but I'm managing.
So here I am. I'm looking to this experienced community to rip apart our story and hopefully add constructive advice on what to do from here. I think we're on the right path, but I don't know. I have love for both of these people, and I'd hate to do something wrong due to lack of experience to lose one of them.
Based on Rose's fear list, what can I do to help those? Am I even able to? Is time the only way to fix it?
Last edited by Lapis; 02-01-2012 at 02:39 AM.