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Old 11-17-2009, 07:49 PM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350

I'm not sure if this is what you're after, but this is my spin.

When I'm thinking in mono terms, these "rules" seem to sprout and cause lots of angst for me.

(even though I'm bisexual, I say "he" in this context because it's a package in my head, the one that was taught to me as how I'm supposed to be)

- He must make all the first moves
- He must commit to me early on
- I would even say, he had better commit to me (I hear my aunt saying this)
- He better not look at other women
- It is his job to meet my needs
- He must desire me physically and sexually, love me with integrity, sacrifice for me, etc.

That sort of stuff.

The man I'm sort of seeing, 'R' was approached by an ex of mine not long ago. My ex asked him, "So, are you two dating?". 'R' replied "We're enjoying each other's company." This doesn't fit at all into the principles layed out for me by my family. When 'R' said this to me, I felt happy. We're not going too fast, we are definitely enjoying each other's company when we do see each other and my boundaries are feeling very honoured.

When I said this to my aunt, she got on her high horse and I knew she was applying all those rules that fall under the category of, "He had better...". It wasn't enough that he is enjoying my company, he's supposed to be doing much more for me as a responsible, reliable, monogamous, hetero partner for her niece.

Poly principles, in my life anyway, make all of that not only irrelevant, but painful, (which makes it very difficult to explain to my aunt how happy I am).

What matters most to me is that I be heard and understood. That I be free to express the amount of love that I feel, (all kinds of love, not simply romantic). That I be allowed to ask for what I need and desire, (doesn't mean I'll get it). And it matters a lot to me to know that someone I care about feel cared about.

Poly feels much more fluid. Maybe one person doesn't fill my sexual needs, but connects with me on another level that helps us both grow and brings us both happiness. In mono world, there would be a lot of discussion about how to have those unmet needs met by my partner who is falling short. How icky.

The principles I operate on in poly involve honesty, (still working out how much honesty though... does a partner need to know all of my inner ramblings, insecurities, etc?), concern and awareness for where everyone is at and willingness to negotiate.
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
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