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Old 01-31-2012, 01:55 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 602
Default Children in a poly-family – question of fatherhood

As I got to know a nice Italian lady who lives together with her three husbands and six children under one roof, we got to discuss the topic of children and how they handled theirs with three men being present. The advice she gave me was: Try to not determine the father beforehand, if they don't know issues like jealousy or insecurity don't come up as often as when it is planned. I didn't quite understand her point and asked Sward and Lin what they thought of that.

Lin said he absolutely understood why it would be easier to not know who the father is. He repeated the argument we discussed some months ago. He would feel hurt if the child, of whom he knew that it was his biological child, attached itself more to Sward than to him. If he knew that it is his biological child, he would want this child to turn to him if it was having trouble or pain to be comforted. Meaning: Tripping, falling and getting a sore knee, he would want his child to come running to him for support. If he wouldn't be able to know, he wouldn't be bothered as a result. He argued that this could be caused by his childhood where his father was seldom there (due to work) and he would have loved to spend more time with him. He wants to be important for his child, the number one person for support.

“Would you be more happy about proof or gestures of love and affection from your 'own' child as well? Regarding it as more important as the non-biological one?” was my concerned question. “No there is a difference. This doesn't apply to the positive sides, I wouldn't love my biological child more, I suppose. Just the 'negative side' would bother me.” I didn't get his point. We talked about it some more, but the end result was, that I am not able to believe him, that he wouldn't make some kind of distinction in value or importance in regard to the children.

When I asked Sward, he said that he would understand if one chooses the non planned and undistinguished fatherhood to ease the situation in a relationship like ours. But that he would love to stick to our system nevertheless. As this wasn't up for discussion, we skipped that point. He said that he doesn't believe that any of them would make a distinction between the children, that maybe the thought would be there now, but as soon as the children would be there, it would be all the same. He doesn't have the biological reflections going on, but I think that is due to the fact, that we already said that the first will be 'his'.

I am REALLY curious how things will be in late autumn. We set November as the latest date to start trying for a child. This will be an interesting period in our lifes, maybe the notions will change again until then.
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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