View Single Post
Old 11-17-2009, 05:12 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default Poly principles vs. mono principles

So let's lay it out there. What's the difference?

I've recently been a part of a few conversations (not just here but in life and on other boards) that brought to light the amount of assumptions people make within and without the poly community. Assumptions such as people who elect to keep relationships open do so out of a "grass is always greener" mentality or out of some kind of ethical sluttiness. Or that open relationships are not conducive to having stable families, etc. As a poly single, I've dealt with all sorts of assumptions about my life and relationships from the poly community from people questioning whether I'm poly at all to people assuming I'm just in it for sexual exploration and nothing more. Or that because I have not had a long term monogamous relationship, I will never be equipped to have meaningful poly relationships.

Those assumptions run the other way too with many poly people viewing monogamy as "less evolved" or a product of social conditioning. Or that people are monogamous because they are insecure and haven't grown enough in themselves to question social conditioning etc...

I see a lot of these underlying assumptions in many discussions and for me, they cause an inability to understand and thus create frustration and hurt on all sides.

Honestly, I see very few principles that can be named "poly principles". The same thing that makes a poly relationship healthy is going to make a monogamous relationship healthy regardless of whether it's an open, closed or any other kind of relationship. Commitment is commitment. Levels of commitment can differ from relationship to relationship, but I don't see exclusivity as a measure of that. A monogamous exclusive relationship can be less committed than an open polyamorous one.

So let's unpack this. Where do the differences in principles *actually* lie between these two models of relationships? Are (or should) ideas like commitment and insecurity viewed differently in a poly or mono context?

Last edited by Ceoli; 11-17-2009 at 05:52 PM.
Reply With Quote