Thanks so much for sharing such intimacy with everyone.
Maybe we can share some of our journey & discoveries along these lines.
It would seem that the wonderful relationship you have is illustrating something very important. Love is often about putting someone else s needs above our own, understanding that those needs - at least at that point - are critical to them. Allowing them to trust their "gut" and standing beside them in support is a true expression of love.
The concept of self sacrifice will always be debated so we won't lengthen this by going down that path now.
The place of sexuality in a relationship is something we've spent many hours- even years analyzing. Here's what we've found as our own "personal truth".
In a strong loving relationship (ours anyway), sex is only a minor element in what really bonds us together. Our special relationship is built on all the intimate little life experiences we have shared together. Some joyful, some sad, some just comfortable & fuzzy. And yes - although some of them have been sexual in nature, that piece is really no different then a quiet walk we took along a meandering stream or a night we sat before a fire under a full moon. Those are our heart-bonding pieces.
It seems there is much confusion overall about human sexuality. It's a complicated thing but we often wonder if we're really not responsible for overcomplicating it. It seems to take too high a priority in the bigger scheme of things (to our thinking).
To us, a big part of the sexual piece is satisfying a natural physical need/craving. The setting & mood often determine what that is on a given occasion. Maybe relating it to a nice meal would give us a similar parallel ? We may be in a mood for a particular fare on a given day and someone else may prefer something else. We can all sit down however and share the experience of meeting our current need and the bonding occurs (or can) because of that share experience. We're happy that all involved have had a pleasurable experience.
Your "need" for a mono sexual relationship is not the exception
And who's to say that it's not the best course for you - at least for now.
The point is - your love for Red - is no more or less real because of that need. Undoubtedly she understands your need, and although painful, because of that love will support you.
Isn't that what it's all about ?