Thanks, Arrow. (And Phy
). It helps to have someone to share this stuff with. I have talked with many people about what is happening, but no one understands the poly dimension of it all. They think he is a cheater, plain and simple. Well, that's what he has become, with all the lying and sneaking, and me begging him to break it off with her to give our marriage a chance. But many can't understand that I feel I "brought this all on myself" by encouraging him, so I could carry on with Butch. I just couldn't figure out what to do with those feelings I had for Butch. I suppose I should have (Ew, I hate woulda, coulda, shoulda) turned that back on the marriage and said, "What is it I am seeking elsewhere that is missing in my relationship with my husband?"
It took this journey of pain and betrayal to figure it out. What was missing was something I
could never make right. My husband is immature. And I don't want to be his mother. Ironically, sometimes he convinced me that I was helpless, and needed him to be MY parent! It kept me from growing, too.
Last night, I told our 12-year old that he should sleep in his own bed. Sundance has been in the habit of having the boys take turns sleeping with dad. I think they are getting well old enough to learn some independence, to sleep on their own. They are 10 and 12! Well, Sun totally did and override to our son. He went right into his room and said, "You can sleep with Dad if you want to." If it is our SON pushing it, it's one thing. But it's my husband! It feels like he is using our son as a little teddy bear. Our son was FINE with it. Or, you know, he's a kid, he might have a little bit of an adjustment, but he does adjust. One night, the two boys each wanted to snuggle with me at night. They started fighting over it, and the older one was pushing his brother, "Go sleep with Dad, or I'm going to have to! I feel SORRY for him!" Do you see where I'm coming from with this? Kids need parents. Parents don't "need" kids!
Well, anyway, it kicked off a spat, which the boys picked up on, and I ended up just letting him sleep with his dad, afterall. I know when he is in there, his dad talks weird confusing things, like, "I don't know why we're fighting, I guess your mom just doesn't like me" and "I don't WANT a divorce either...." (insinuating "It's your MOM who wants this, not me").
The other thing was, when I came into the room at first, Sun was on his laptop. He looks at porn every day (I used to have to clear the history on our PC DAILY so the kids wouldn't see it -- once I called him out for possibly having a problem with this, he stopped using the PC. So naturally I suspect he is in his room, on the laptop, looking at the same sites he has for years. What would make me think otherwise??? He has "changed?") I don't want my son in there when he is looking at that stuff.
About a month ago, the 12-year old, "A" and I had a conversation:
A- "Mom, my friend looks at 'bad things' on the computer."
M- "Oh yeah? What kinds of 'bad things'?"
A- "Well..... like...."
M- "What -- like naked pictures or something?"
A- "Yeah. It's called porn, Mom. It's disgusting."
M- "Oh. Well, A, at some point it is natural to be curious about what girls' bodies look like. That's not disgusting. But porn makes women's bodies look like objects. Women have a lot more to them than just their bodies. It's not good to look at that stuff too much."
A- "Well, Dad looks at it. He looks all the time."
M- "Yeah, A. Well, I think guys should focus on girls' minds and feelings, than just their body parts. But when you get a little older, you will have some curiosity. I hope you will remember that girls have feelings, too."
I know that there are a lot of ideas on this forum about porn. I'm not a prude. But this is a little boy! He has not hit puberty yet. He deserved his innocence. BOTH of my sons have found porn in their dad's closet, since they were toddlers. DVD's and the cases with pictures on them, and magazines. They have always known where penises fit and what they "do", let me put it that way! There was no mystery about the birds and the bees, except that maybe babies actually come from that, and it is supposed to be an expression of love between a man and a woman..... yeah, RIGHT.
This morning Sun looked at me all forlorn and sad and dejected and SINCERE, and said, "I'm sorry for all the pain...." I said, "We'll talk after the kids leave for school" but he said, "No, I'm leaving now."
His apologies are so vague, and we don't talk, ever. When we do, the kids are here, and it turns into a fight, or there is tension. Or occasionally, we get to a place where we're getting along, but that's not right for the kids either. It gives them false hope. It gives US false hope! We can't be "friends" til we're divorced. Period. I wish the kids could see that a divorce doesn't have to be a terrible thing. I am trying to reassure them, it will be ok, we'll get through it, etc. But Sun acting all gloomy about not wanting a divorce, either, puts both him and A in victim mode, and me as the perpetrator!!
Wow, I'm going on and on here, sorry! If anyone is reading, hey, I really appreciate it. REALLY.