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Old 01-30-2012, 07:47 AM
zenchaos zenchaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I'm wondering why boyfriend didn't encourage you to talk to her directly, since you have said he agrees it's reasonable.
Well a while ago I had this problem with them flirting heavily in front of me and he said he wouldn't do that anymore and would talk to her about it. Since he'd never had a second girl around it was difficult for him to find a "balance" when we were together, but when he flirted with her it was mostly for her benefit rather than his because he was afraid she felt neglected. That bothered me because it seemed like more of an obligation for him to be with her which I thought was totally unnecessary since her husband was present and it's like he was doing another man's job. But it turns out he was overreacting (his other girlfriend's words) so he decided to just do what felt natural, which was being with me. So he's already talked to her about that, which is why I didn't. Also I don't think he would want to put me in the position where I had to talk to her directly...since it can easily be awkward no matter how mature we all are :P. But hindsight, I doubt he mentioned that it bothered me, just that he was feeling the strain of trying to manage two women and she told him to not worry.

Quote:
How would it sound if in the moment you said to her, "would you mind, I would really like to spend time with our boyfriend alone, could he come and find you in a bit? Thanks so much, I would really appreciate it."
So like I said before, it's not like she *needs* the attention. I think she is just very flirty by nature which is why she initiates it. But I think her actions sometimes border on neediness. Boyfriend is okay with that obviously but doesn't escalate it. And I know he worries about how I feel when she does that but I can't blame him because it's not like he can tell her to buzz off for a bit (and honestly, I wouldn't want him to). The gist of what you said makes a lot of sense. I just can't ever see myself or him saying it XD. We haven't really cultivated that kind of environment. I know, I'm gonna have to confront this sooner or later. And it's not that I want to be alone alone. Just alone as in intimate alone. Since it's a party there's other people around and I don't mind that. So I guess something closer would be "hey, could you move like, 3 feet away or spend some time with...I dunno, the guy you're married to? kthx" :P. And then it's just very awkward. It's not really of question of whether or not she would respect my wishes. It's just trying to maintain our relational dynamic and no matter how reasonable it is, it'd still be kind of rocking the boat. Normally I'd be talking to my boyfriend about this but making him the middleman might just make me look like a pansy.

So I guess my real question would be - why does she do this with her husband around? She obviously doesn't need to, and he's clearly occupied. And how should I begin to approach this without immediately jumping into direct confrontation? If I were to talk to her of course I'd tell my boyfriend first. I guess a better way to phrase this would be how can I confront her without it being very sudden and unusual? I've been considering email as an option, would that be appropriate?

Last edited by zenchaos; 01-30-2012 at 07:54 AM.
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