I have an eating disorder - I am an emotional eater. One of the ways my disorder manifests itself is that when I am sexually frustrated, I turn to food. There are all kinds of things wrong with that. Of course it does not make a lot of sense to eat when sex would be more fun, right? Well, I don't expect those who do not suffer from an eating disorder to understand. And frankly this post is not about explaining it.
This is really more of a rant I guess. I like sex. I miss sex. I have a husband who would happily have sex with me any time I want. That is not the problem. I have always been aggressive sexually. But I have grown tired of ALWAYS being the aggressor. Sometimes I want to be with someone who is as forceful as I am. After many years of struggle, DH and I realized he will never be that way. Also that I will never be the kind of women who goes for the sweet and tender lovemaking that he sometimes enjoys. If I had to categorize (which I hate to do) I would say DH is vanilla and I am the flavor sampler. Oh geez, here I go with the food metaphors.
But seriously, one of the reasons DH and I realized that poly is a lifestyle we are open to is that we accept the fact that we are very different sexually. What really frosts my cookies (hey, if I'm going to give in to it, I'll go all the way) is that we did not explore this idea until my eating disorder had driven me to replace sex with food A LOT. Now it is a habit I want to break and it is very difficult.
Right now I am torqued off that it happened last night. We had dinner with our neighbors - had a great time. I had some rum and Coke and was feeling flirty. Got myself a little (lot) worked up imagining getting grabby with the neighbor, whom I have a serious lust for. Unlike DH, he has a personality that suggests he would not be a passive partner in the bedroom. Long story short, when we came home DH went to bed (in my defense, he threw out his back yesterday so I could not have jumped him anyway) and I sat up making love to the pantry. Darn it!
A few hot and sweaty moments with the neighbor and I could have worked off some calories instead of ingesting them. (Did I mention he looks like Al Pacino?) Unfortunately, DH and I do not think he and his wife are poly. And even if they are, that does not mean he would like me to "say hello to his little friend."
So, where does that leave me? Still eating my orgasms. And before anyone suggests it, a close encounter with an adult toy would NOT solve anything. It does not satisfy what I am craving, which is the seduction and responses of another person.
So, that is my rant. Sorry it does not have a happy ending.