I had a little personal victory yesterday that I'd like to share.
I have a friend that I was going to go see in a few weeks- we met in July while I was on vacation and have shared something very special ever since. We had finally agreed on a plan to re-meet and were both excited and nervous, wondering what would happen and if we would connect again in the physical world as we have online in the interim.
A little while after we agreed on this meeting, I could feel hesitation on his part and I also had my own hesitations, but I didn't want to miss a chance to finally see this beautiful man up close again.
Yesterday he told me the root of his concerns- he is afraid of getting attached and I think the imminent meeting made him really consider what he is looking for, and me being married is really hard for him to wrap his brain around still, although he's certainly tried. He told me pretty clearly that he was really searching for a traditional relationship -settling down, wife, kids- but threw in some self-doubt because I know he wants to see me as much as I do him.
Here comes the victory, which is certainly bittersweet for me but I feel like I did the most loving thing, and that's why I feel good about it. I let him go, let him off the hook, didn't argue, rejected his self-doubt as a means to get my foot in the door and told him I desire his happiness more than anything.
I am a person who has had a past of pushing most things to the absolute limit, going down every avenue until the bitter end, not relenting until all of MY questions are answered, and sometimes hurting people in that process. It felt good to think of him first, to love him by consciously putting aside my desires or any manipulation of his thinking and just letting him know he's great and should be good to himself.
Of course this means no exciting weekend in the big city with my friend just now, which I have been wanting so much, and it might mean that we don't communicate at all anymore, but I left the door open and gave him the best thing I had to give- respect and fairness.
I think I might finally be growing up.