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Old 01-29-2012, 06:35 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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No, I get what you're saying. What I wrote was just an illustration. I know you've said she can do what she wants, and you would rather leave her than be poly but you can't leave because it hurts too much, so you want her to decide. And I know she's said she will be with a woman, even though vaginas scare her, because she feels like being with a man would hurt you too much.

What I wrote was just to illustrate a point, and everything we're saying is hypothetical. If this, if that... you know?

And we are not criticizing her or you, but we are critiquing an approach you two are considering. There are plenty of members here who are in relationships together, and it isn't criticism to talk to one person about the other, to help solve a problem. We all know both of you can read the thread. Now, critiquing is different from criticizing, it is just a way of talking about good points and bad points about something. Try to understand that everyone here shares opinions to be helpful.

So, my explanation was an illustration IF she felt she wasn't allowed to be with a man and chose to be with a woman. Because she thought you could live better with that instead. And that is almost the same as if you were forbidding her because...

Either way, the woman she chooses to be with would not be her first choice. PK would rather be with a guy, so the woman is second. Like, saying, "I want vanilla ice cream, but all they have is chocolate, so I guess I'll have chocolate." That is what I meant by "no one wants to be second choice." It has nothing to do with "primary," or "secondary," it has everything to do with not being the first choice someone wants. Would you like it if someone walked up to you and said, "I'd really rather be with that guy over there, but you'll do." It's making a compromise to have less than what you want, and the person you're settling for feels like shit about it, too. Get it?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-29-2012 at 08:06 AM. Reason: changed flavors of ice cream
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