I want to reply to this message in more detail and after more thought than I have time for right now, but for now I want to address this:
Originally Posted by JRiverMartin
Also, look to see if there isn't any past experience (wound) being triggered here -- one predating this present experience. If there is such, this may be contributing to the intensity of your hurt, anger, fear, resentment.... By seeing that the present experience and the past experience are distinct from one another you may begin to discover how you can better deal with these feelings.
that I have past experiences that are contributing negatively to this, and were likely indirect contributers to JustMe's affair in the first place. Now, I have a problem with recalling the past in that beyond a certain point my memories tend to lose their chronology with everything falling into a single bucket of "the past". Hopefully if I get anything substantive wrong in this chronology, JustMe will correct me...
I have had only one other "serious" relationship prior to the one I have with JustMe, which lasted almost 3 years. Shortly after it ended I discovered that my partner in that relationship had been sleeping with an ex-boyfriend for about the last 6 months we were together. That set me up to have a lot of fear and mistrust around fidelity.
After JustMe had been dating a couple years I had my first "attack". I had this intense fear that she was cheating on me, going to leave me, lying to me, etc. The kind of fear and anxiety that keeps you from working, collapses you on the floor. It degraded to a low-level anxiety that lasted a couple weeks, and then went away. About a year later we were married and move to our new home.
Some years pass, and the anxiety is more or less absent, until I notice that JustMe is changing, she is becoming a very different person in a lot of ways. Her interests, and most importantly, her spiritual views are changing quite a lot, and becoming seemingly less compatible with my own. Now the anxiety returns. I know it's irrational, I have no reason to doubt JustMe. She's never lied to me, she's never lied to anyone so far as I know. She is one of the most forthright people I know. That's part of why I love her. I try to control the anxiety on my own, but I can't, and eventually I enter counseling to get a handle on it. I of course talk to JustMe about it during all this, but never make any accusations because I know full well it's a problem solely with me. The counseling helps, I get things under control, and move on. By this time Him has entered our lives, but is not yet living with us. Time passes, and we get closer with Him, and the anxiety flares up again. Shortly after this, Him moves in with us.
The anxiety continues, I go back to counseling off and on, and manage to keep it as a "dull roar", but it gets to the point that it is genuinely interfering with my ability to work, to live my life. This is not helped by the obvious strong connection between JustMe and Him. So I try cranio-sacral therapy, which I know looks like total shamanism snake-oil, but it worked for me. After several sessions, I have an "emotional release" (laughing / crying hysterically in the car on the way home) after which the anxiety basically just stops. I enjoy a few months of a quiet mind, and then it returns...
But now, it's not the undirected anxiety it was before, the outlandish imaginings. I swear I'm seeing things, knowing looks, casual brushes of the hand, etc, etc... But of course, I'm so accustomed to having my mind generate these things, I count it as another relapse. Until, finally, I find somethings I cannot deny, and the truth is squeezed out. I learn that all of the shame and disappointment I felt about relapsing was for nothing, because I hadn't relapsed, what I was seeing was real.
So yeah, definitely got some pre-existing baggage here...