The Downside of self Discovery
I had a good talk with Redpepper today referencing things that go through my mind about our relationship. By all accounts we have an extremely loving relationship and a dynamic with such natural flow it almost seems too good to be true at times. Like any relationship it has compromise. Polyfidelity is the core of my health in our relationship. I look at her and her husband and because I love them as one entity I actually donít feel like I am in a poly relationship. Their friend and tertiary is my friend as well. He is simply there.
Throughout this journey I have discovered more and more about myself. A lot of it was about communication and sexuality. I thought perhaps my self-discovery would lead to more openness for Redpepper with respect to the inclusion of other men in her life. I thought that perhaps I would re-evaluate what my poly friends consider to be insecurities about sharing her with future lovers. I thought perhaps I was insecure in not wanting her to share that part of herself with other men.
My self-discovery has taught me that I am in fact more monogamous than even I had thought. I have let go of the idea that asking for sexual fidelity is a sign of insecurity. For me it is a sign of commitment. I accept that my views are not in line with poly thinking and understand why. Seeing sexual fidelity as a sign of insecurity enables the principles of polyamory. Seeing sexual fidelity as a sign of commitment enables the principles of monogamy. I accept both for what they are and do not need to argue if one is better than the other or more evolved because neither is. They simply are what they need to be for individual people to live true to their nature and preferred approach to loving.
I have constantly debated the unfairness of my boundaries and repeatedly looked at the options. I do this with a huge error in my approach to this. I debated this issue within myself with the perception that I know what Redpepper wants. I see her wanting co-habitation with her husband and me; each with our own space. I also see her expecting me to evolve and accept other men into her life with time. Whether that becomes reality is yet to be seen but the point of error is that I am making assumptions.
I donít want to be in a fluid open relationship where I give myself totally to one person and they are open to bring other men into their lives. I admit that I actually donít want this. Although I have somehow naturally taken to what we have and happy within our boundaries, I do not want to a partner who I can expect to share with other men.
I would rather fore go the physical intimacy of our relationship to nurture the friendship, which is beyond any I have ever had. Physical intimacy is the pinnacle of intimate communication for me but is still not worth risking the soul connection I feel with her.
So now I feel almost like a walking ultimatum. We all know that if someone gives you an ultimatum the choice should not be in his or her favour. So here I am. My mere boundaries feel like an ultimatum to me. I am so black and white in how I approach my boundaries I again feel like this is unfair. I have no give, no bending. I donít feel it in me to compromise my need for this boundary because it is a path to not being myself. I just found myself and refuse to let that go. I in turn see this inability to compromise as being an infringement on Redpepperís ability to be herself. And so the cycle continues within me and again it is in error because it does not actually factor in her desires.
Redpepperís friendship is first. Our physical expression and the intimate expression of the love we have come second to me. She, as a friend, is more important than us, as a couple.
What are the affects of this? I move towards the future but there is hesitancy. I worry that I will hurt her. I imagine us living together later and her doing what is in her nature and rightly so. I imagine her coming to me to open up my heart enough to accept a new man into her life. I feel myself reshaping my love for her in that moment. I am so black and white and imagine myself hurting her because I donít want to hold her back but canít accept this path. So I give her everything...except me. Now we are so close and integrated it is even more difficult to let go of that aspect of our connection.
Might I change in the future? Anything can happen. I used to want to change; to be something different and develop a different nature. I donít want to change anymore. I want to find my place in this life and in hers as I am, who I am and with as much positive presence in her life as I can be.
The core of this has just dawned on me! My journey into self-discovery, growth, and awareness is not about enabling me to take a desired path. It is in fact to uncover what my path really is!
I always see Redpepper on that path sharing the journey with me and guiding me when I get turned around, pushing me when I get scaredÖ.WOOOHOOO!!
Whatís a mono vanilla cracker to doÖ
Peace and Love
Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes
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