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Old 01-27-2012, 08:54 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Boston area
Posts: 201
Default so here's the actual letter

Itís just one of those tripped up days. Insecurities and discomfort are rampant.

We have such different styles of relating, love. Or at least that is my impression. I want to be much more open that you do. Although now I wonder, have I actually said much about the things I wish you would be open about? Some of that is the past, and you would say that it isnít relevant anyway.

But the past is relevant in that it shapes our expectations as well as showing our likely patterns. You have never liked to talk about expectations, and this has often been hard for me. Fundamentally, I think that we have different expectations and you would prefer to not acknowledge that.

Here is my past in a nutshell. In my life I have loved (romantically) at most 6 or 7 people, including you. Most of them also loved me. When I love someone, it generally lasts for a long time. I do not think I have ever had a short term passionate fling in which my feelings simply faded out. (As far as I can tell, this is much more your norm.) I have been dumped at least a few times, both by those I love and those with whom it never got that far. Relationships with people who loved me back have always lasted for multiple years; I donít think they ever ended due to lack of feelings there, and I am in touch to some degree with most former lovers.

In other words, even though for many people relationships burn out quickly after their initial phase, this has not been my experience, so it is not what I am likely to expect at the start of a new relationship. And it makes me uncomfortable at times that this may be your default, particularly if I feel that you donít want me to know it. It ties to the old questions of it all being just a game for you.

I do know that you donít feel like youíre in a default pattern now, and you have said that this throws you off balance a bit. And perhaps you donít even know what you want now. But I wish you could explain what you think you want, as best as you know it.

I know that we will never have as much time together as I would like, and I know that we will always be more hidden than I would like. It is likely that this will always trouble me; I am prepared to have to deal with it.

But given that it is you who will put the constraints on this relationship, it seems to me it would be helpful for you to state what they are Ė how much time you are prepared to give.

But that is probably not really what I want to know, is it? What I want to know is that I can count on you, to feel that I will not be perpetually disappointed, always having to downgrade and pare back. Because it feels like we have been cutting back on time, and you donít acknowledge it or say why unless I ask.

And maybe you just want no expectations at all, just a recognition of love through messages and short communications, and relatively spontaneous meetings when it seems to fit with both of our lives. Take each moment as it comes, enjoy it, donít plan, donít worry about what doesnít happen. I have never done it this way, and I donít know if I can. Especially since I am able and willing to plan, this could make me feel like I have no power, no standing, like I am totally dependent on your whim. Like I get crumbs. I am afraid of this possibility Ė I think I would frequently feel like a fool. Not when with you, of course; then I would feel that you love me, but it would be hard to maintain confidence in between. I could feel used, or like the relationship is unbalanced

Another fear is that you are just trying to whittle back and back, giving less until it is just not enough for me and I call it off, so it will be me who ends it rather than you.

Yet to accuse or suspect you of less and less can seem crazy, which is why I can be loath to bring this up, can wonder if the problem is just all in me. (And sometimes I think it is just me; there are long stretches where I am rarely troubled. And maybe I just need to talk more about relationships and you just live them.) After all, we text several times daily, and sometimes far more often, and you constantly say you love me, far more in fact than most others have. It is hard to discount the sense of love and enjoyment in our time together. You do actually make an effort to be available pretty regularly for brief connections, 20 mins or so together. It is just the longer periods that have become less possible, and that feel more constrained. And the times that are supposed to be best for you still end up being constrained, or being vulnerable to outside events. I know I am not the number 1 priority, but still at times it seems important to at least feel like a priority for that little bit of time, to have a little piece that is mine.
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