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Old 01-27-2012, 08:46 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Boston area
Posts: 201
Default Acknowledging vs hiding insecurities

Nouryia has a thread, Not sure I like to be a secondary, that brings up the question of acknowledging insecurities or not, which is something that I have also struggled with. In my relationship with my boyfriend, which has been going on for about 8 mo (the first 2 or so as an LDR) I have vented mine a bunch of times, and he has always been really good about it, accepted the feelings and made me feel better without it causing a problem between us. Still, even though it hasnít caused a problem, I worry that it could if I keep doing it, plus I think it could just get tiresome to have to deal with. Yet they keep coming back, so I wonder if there is a legitimate trigger.

(below is Nouryia's thread, and thanks for the inspiration

So today to deal with them, I started writing a letter about them. Its really a theoretical letter, since in general Iíve found that writing to my boyfriend is a bad idea now that we do not have an LDR; he often doesnít respond, because he prefers to deal with things in person, but the lack of response makes me feel bad. But writing is a good way for me to work things out, and to vent at times that I canít actually see him, and in fact writing it has made me feel a bit better. Anyway, I thought I would post my theoretical letter, to see how others would feel about whether or not to communicating such insecurities, and whether these seem like a couple issue or just my issue or both.

For more context, both my boyfriend and I are married (10-20 yrs) with children, and those relationships are accepted as primary. I know not everyone likes the terms, but there is a recognized hierarchy, particularly for him. He ďlostĒ a child due to divorce in his first marriage, and could not deal with it happening again, so if a choice were needed there is no doubt what it would be. The amount we see each other varies, and has declined in the last month or so, although we were probably overdoing it at first. We average one evening each week where we go out for about 2 hrs, and perhaps 2 other nights when we see each other less, often just 20 mins, sometimes an hour. This is all in the transition between work and home time. Maybe every 2 weeks or so we manage a few extra hours for intimate time.

Gosh, I am wordy; sorry. And the letter is long too. Just one final thought Ė I notice that I definitely cycle through the feelings in the letter, that whether I feel there is a problem varies quite a lot. And I wonder whether the variability correlates with hormones. Iíve started keeping track, but havenít done it long enough yet. But I wondered if other women find their insecurities and hormonal cycles are in sync.
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