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Old 01-27-2012, 05:15 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 306

First, I know sometimes writing is easier. For me, part of my issues are that I communicate differently when I speak, not as clearly, and words don't come out that I'm trying to find. It's difficult. So hubby and I use chat or text or email all the time. However, I found the whole, "I need you to be poly for me to grow." inappropriate. I remember saying something at the time. It's like saying you have to be a woman to understand how I feel as a woman. No, you don't.

Now, I'll be honest, I think a lot of your situation is being young and still discovering who you each are and how to work out a relationship together. I don't say this to be condescending, only that I remember doing the same. Hubby and I got married young. 19 and 21. We often look back and go, "CRAP! We were way too young!" We were still growing up. Some things that might help you two that helped us are:

1. Not every situation/argument/disagreement is going to get solved. Sometimes it just gets vented and move on. Sometimes you just agree to disagree. Sometimes you just accept the other person's opinion/view/choices even if you don't understand them.

2. It's all in wording, and understanding that wording. No, 'allowing' someone to do something is not right. Everyone is a person, free to make their own choices, and have their own voice. HOWEVER, saying that your boundary is that you can't handle them making certain choices or taking certain actions is acceptable. It's a difference in making someone do something and owning your own shit. Basically. I can't make my husband do anything. I can tell him how I feel about certain things, how it looks to me when he does certain things, and what things I just can't handle or put up with. Negotiating together boundaries we can both live with and compromising.

IMHO, the issue isnt' that she texted you, but that she seemed to be telling you she thinks she's poly in a very roundabout way that might have left you feeling not just blindsided but manipulated. Even if that wasn't her intent. It makes it harder to trust someone when you feel they have manipulated you into a situation. Pushing for you to have someone else so that she can then ask for her to have someone else for months? That's a trust issue.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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