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Old 01-27-2012, 12:12 PM
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Scott Scott is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Answer to 1) I agree with redpepper. Why is it such a big deal that she used text messaging? Not everyone is good at vocalizing. I trip all over my words when I try to say thing orally, and sometimes end up phrasing things poorly, in a way that hurts someone's feelings but wasn't at all what I intended. Then it seems like I'm back peddling or lying or changing my story, when really I'm just trying to phrase it the way it is in my head.

I'm an INTJ. That means I can't always put my thoughts into words. For me, writing them down, editing, re-editing, and re-re-editing helps me get them in the form that most closely matches what I'm thinking. At that point, it's easier to give the written copy to the person than read it out loud or something.

She was probably scared to death to tell you. It's a big bomb to drop, and I'm guessing text message was the only way she could get up the courage to do it. It's better than not telling you at all...
I agree, sometimes telling people things through text is the best way that they can do it.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
First of all, this alpha stuff sounds possessive. Some girls think it's sexy when their boyfriends get jealous, like it's supposed to mean they care or some crap.
I think it means that they're afraid of losing their partner. Which would mean that they do care about their partner, but it also means that fear is involved; and fear can be the root of things like anger. Personally, I think I can feel jealousy somewhat, but when I feel it, I analyze it; I remember the last time I felt it with my (now ex) girlfriend; she was with a close friend and the way they were talking to each other looked so intimate, I felt a twinge of jealousy. During a conversation later, I told her of my twinge. Her previous boyfriend, who was monogamous, had forbidden her to associate much with this guy, and she asked me if I wanted her to do this. I said, no no, it was more that I was envious of what he had with you. I later learned that this guy had wanted to have a sexual relationship wth my girlfriend. I told my girlfriend that this was fine; he seemed like a decent enough fellow. However, she also told me that he had a girlfriend who was apparently monogamous, after which I agreed with her that helping him cheat would not be a good idea. For a while after that, I actually began to get along with this guy, which I thought was great. However, as my relationship with my girlfriend soured, so did my relationship with him; he was clearly more her friend then mine.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I think it comes across more like "I think you're my property, and I'm going to decide what my property is allowed to do."
Yeah.. ever since I became polyamorous about 16 years ago, I've never been a fan of banning a partner from being with someone else of either gender, with one condition; this other person has to have a relationship with me that's manageable. If we hate each other and we're in close enough proximity to each other that sparks start flying, I just don't think it's going to work out; at which point, I may (and have, in the past), asked a partner to not be with that person, atleast for a time, or not be with me for a time; the bottom line is that having a partner who's with someone you dislike has a tendency of drawing 2 people who dislike each other in close proximity and that frequently really isn't a good thing.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I also don't like her motives for encouraging you to be with someone else. If she wants to have other boyfriends, that should be the focus of her discussions. She'd might as well say she wants you to get a tattoo so that she can get one. It makes no sense.
It does, if she wants him to have someone else to be with while she's away with someone else. It could be seen as caring for how he's doing.
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