Odd looks and soft kisses
It seems that the Tuesday thing is really working out. We all went in again together. This time The Dew talked to the girls in her class. We left her there so we could go get our laundry wrapped up. Woogie wandered around the small brightly lit laundry mat checking out a couple of other two year olds. The older lady who works there usually just stares at me. I this time got mauled by a six year old and a nine year old that for some odd reason wouldn’t leave me alone for the life of me. I didn't mind. I thought it rather cute.
The hour passed by quickly. We wiggled our way through other people waiting for their little ballerina's to be cut loose. We watched through the big window as the teacher lead them through parts of there soon to be dance/play? Finally they let the classes loose. I helped The Dew into her warmer clothes, and we headed back home.
Jewell again took both of the kids home as soon as dinner was eaten. We sat and talked for a while letting the days stress melt off. I took a shower while he enjoyed a late night cup of coffee. Only slightly to my surprise; Lover was waiting to pounce as soon as I was out. I slept deep and late in the morning I cuddled Lovers pillow.
His kisses are so wet and deep. So smooth. So open. Full o f fire and longing. Heavy with passion. They are always welcome and never done for there is always a hunger for more. I cannot get enough of kissing him. I love to touch him. I will spend as much time as possible just massaging his body, scratching his back, and running my fingers through his hair. Touch is healing. I will give all I can to heal even just one crack in his heart.
Mourning the death of the male.
Lovers friend, that has ran into us more than one time, showed up. He is the one that has recently asked if I had moved in, and Lover replied that we were just carpooling. I had wet hair from just getting out of the shower and was seated next to Lover. He came in trying to hold his shock in. He sat and we all talked casually loaded with the usual humor and laughs that comes out with the three of us together.
Lovers friend finally got up ready to leave and wanted Lover to follow without me. I could just tell by body language. So, I busied around cleaning up. When Lover came in he said he explained the situation to his friend. He noted the fact that his friend, lets call him M, was very bummed out for Jewell's sake.
Lover and his friend seemed deeply mourned over the death of Jewell's male side. It threw me into a guilt strong and heavy in my stomach. I slept quietly with Jewell that night trailing my fingers over her body.
I went jogging early in the morning. I really needed to think, and if need be cry. I have such a hard time doing that in front of anyone. So, I am wandering along and an icy blast slapped me across the face. I finally snapped out of it with a hard shiver, realizing it was just their perspectives.
Jewell hasn't mourned this loss like they were. There male was them. It was worth mourning, because for them the pain of losing it was unbearable. She would have never taken hormones with that attitude.
Yes, there was the loss. It did hurt none the less. The death of our romance. It hurt her and it hurt me. The loss of the sexual side. The connection it brings. The intimacy that grows out of it. For most it is a deal breaker. The fact that she will not touch me sexually at all may eventually be the deal breaker more than the loss of being cocked will ever matter. That is a matter that I haven't wanted to unearth just yet.
Back to their tragedy. In a way it is. But like a said before I went into the last tangent she would have never taken hormones with that attitude. Could the gain trump the loss? Why would we, and would she if we didn't know or at lest felt that there was a gain larger. There was something deeper that we sacrificed for. It was a we. We were well aware it would only be time. For love, for letting her be her may be mine.
For Jewell I can only give estimations. The feeling of being one with mind and body. To transcend the lower chalkra. To use estrogen as a smart drug an antidepressant.
Of course it goes deeper than that but its a base understanding. A simple way to let it go and go to sleep now.
I am not writing this to make a statement, or seem like I understand. I am writing this because writing is how I get things out. It is how I make sense of the world. Rereading my thoughts help me put the pieces together. Blogging has its advantage of getting other peoples thoughts involved too. It can let me know more than I know what I really think. What is it I focus on. It is like flipping a coin. Once you do you figure out what you are hoping for.
I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.