feeling lost and looking for guidance
I have had a few romantic interests in my years. As a grade schooler I fell for a girl that I only met three times. We never kissed, but we would run off and hide together, smiling, giggling hugging holding hands and laughing. I was terrified and looked forward to it at the same time. In high school a cute girl asked me out. I held her hand that 1st day after school, but was too nervous to make out with her despite being invited to her house when her parents weren't home. (i kick myself for this) She broke up with me that same evening. In college a girl in one of the easy computer classes had a fancy for me, but I didn't feel a spark.
Five years later I found the most wonderful girl on the planet. We had gone to high school together, but I was a few grades older and our paths didn't cross despite her having eyes for me. Fortunately she was friends with my brother, who arranged our 1st date. After two years of living together we got married and lived happily ever after for a while... However, while in my mind we were happily ever after she was allowing a lot of things to fester. At some point I knew things weren't right, but my attempts to fix them were misdirected. I was treating symptoms (fixing things, cleaning things, making things) without discussing the cause.
Recently we have been seeing a marriage councilor, and maybe some day will find happily ever after, again. But this time for both of us.
I am a clumsy lover who shy's away from unfamiliar territory ESPECIALY if I find it interesting. My wife had interpreted this odd behavior as disinterest (I can't blame her) and spent quite a while sexualy frustrated. Before she was married she was in experimental stages of exploring bondage and involved in an established polyamorous relationship. When our communication crisis broke through the surface it became clear that these were two things my love desperately missed.
My First Opinion
She is the love of my life (how monogamous of me), and I need her to be happy. If that means that she needs additional partners then she should have them. If that means she has outgrown me and it's time for her to move on than she needs to. I only wish I was as strong.
My Second Opinion
I'm scared. I practically lost her, and on some level I know she loaths me for what lead up to marriage counseling. This has manifested it's self in her spending multiple nights a week out with friends while I am not invited. It includes an evening at a BDSM party that I thought would be an `us' activity when she wanted a `her' activity, and a party that, trying to pick up on subtitle hints, I did not attend where she fisted a cute submissive (bdsm) girl that she seems to want to keep to herself. I can't compete with all the strangers and I'm going to lose her. In theory, my First Opinion says this is okay if it makes her happy. However, in reality it makes me cry.
My Third Opinion
I'm excited about the possibility of US having polyamorous relationships, where we find mutual lovers that we can share. This sounds like a great way for me to shatter some of my social anxieties, throw away fear and embrace love for humanity. (wow, I can sound corny)
Additional, on some level she wants me to embrace this lifestyle as she feels that because she is the only woman I have slept with I have `placed her on a pedestal'. I want to be her equal.
My Forth Opinion
I am strong enough to be in a relationship where I am monogamous and she is polyamorous. I just have to convince myself that I am so strong. Because of my social anxiety issues this is probably where we start.
Please help! I'm feeling overwhelmed. Any opinions, guidance, feedback much appreciated.