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Old 01-27-2012, 12:32 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,683

I haven't read the other posts yet, only the first one. So I might be back after.

I'm not getting why telling you over text was so bad. So what? She had an oppotrunity, she took it and said what she had to say. If texting was how then so be it. I don't understand why people get hung up on "how" things are communicated so much and lose sight of thew fact that communication happened. Any kind of communication is a positive thing. The rest is semantics to me.

Ya, breaking up via text? Not a good idea. I just got dumped via email. It didn't make me feel like I was worth anything to the guy, but then again I don't think I was, lol. He wanted to meet after for coffee. I said no. Why? So he could tell me again in person?! YA! NO!

As to the rest? Trying out a poly lifestyle to see if it works is a REALLY bad idea. Either you are poly or you aren't. If you say you aren't and she says she is and you can't work out boundaries or even compromise on that then I would really be looking into whether or not this is going to be successful for the future.

People can't create polyamory in another and she seems to be trying to do that in order to justify her need for other loves. It doesn't work that way. You will have to come to that yourself. Its too bad she didn't tell her real truth and say that she wanted other men in her life and wanted you to have other women in order to justify her need for more. Meh, so be it. Now you know and have something to work with. Sometimes people take some time to get to where they can be honest for whatever reason and I think its important to let it go and work with the here and now and move forward knowing that they aren't always truthful with themselves or you. If that is the case then I would be asking some really tough questions in the future to get her to talk openly about what she needs before making decisions.

I would be asking lots of specific questions about how your life together would look to each other. I'd be patient, persistent with what I need as a mono, empathetic that she also has needs and supportive when she voices what she wants. I would use kind and encouraging words and ask for the same and start talking about your feelings, what would and would not work for you and remind her gently that you can take care of your own relationship life and that she will have to find alternative ways to see how she feels about poly that don't use you as the experiament.
More thoughts,

What is this alpha male "allowing" business? How are you "allowing" her to do stuff in her life or not. Are you her Dom? Is she submissive to you in a D/s relationship? If not, then in my opinion, she has chosen to respect your feelings and boundaries and decided that she doesn't want to hurt you by having sex with other men and put her feelings and needs aside in order to make you more comfortable. She has placed herself in the position of being uncomfortable to make you more comfortable. Very noble I think. Please, give her the respect she deserves by addressing this as such. The appropriate language would of been, "she has agreed to not have sex with other men as I am uncomfortable with that" (unless you are her Dom and then its up to the two of you to decide how she should be spoken to and about).

I think you could do with reading up on "mono/poly" relationships (try a tag search here). The two of you are speaking different languages. Its like you are from different cultures. I have been with my mono boyfriend for three years and when we need to approach this stuff we do so like we are from different countries trying to understand each others culture.

Would you speak to someone the same way if you were from the USA and they were from Japan? Unlikely. You both would be curious, wonder how each persons mind works, wonder how there are differences rather than assume you are the same, inflict those assumptions on one another and expect each other to react and behave in a certain way. Mono and Poly people are not the same. Check it out with an open mind and heart.
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-27-2012 at 12:50 AM. Reason: adding more
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