Originally Posted by nouryia
It's the lack of foundation
of my secondary relationship that's had me second guessing it's depth and importance. But after reading the many replies, I can certainly say I have a better understanding and mindset regarding what it's like to be a poly secondary
Lack of foundation? Hmm... I am curious - what does that mean to you? What kind of foundation are you lacking in the relationship with your bf? I think it might be a good writing exercise for you, to explore what a "foundation" is to you, and what kind of commitments you want. There are all kinds of ways to commit to someone.
If there is honesty, and the ability to communicate honestly with each other, that is certainly a good foundation. Or are you looking for some sort of "pledge" or declaration from him? If you feel that you are unsure of how to express your needs in this relationship, working on your communication skills and confronting your insecurities would be a good place to start in building a strong foundation.
And you don't have to feel like you should project some kind of easygoing experienced-and-cool-with-poly attitude. It is perfectly fine to say to him something like, "Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to be a secondary. You know I'm crazy about you, but I feel a little insecure about my place in your life. I'd like some sort of reassurance that I can count on this, or at least knowing that you want to keep moving forward with me for the long-term. Without that, I just feel like our relationship is a little bit on shaky ground - but it could just be my inexperience. What do you think?"
How do you feel about saying something like that to him?